


Heartsick

by Blue_Moon84



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Comfort, Comfort/Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Pain, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Steven Universe Future, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-31
Updated: 2019-12-18
Packaged: 2021-01-31 19:48:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 28,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21248903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blue_Moon84/pseuds/Blue_Moon84
Summary: Months after the incident with the injector, Steven receives a desperate call from diamonds, asking for help.The three diamonds are on her, looking at Spinel anxiously.She is lying horizontally on something she can identify as soft and comforting.-Spinel? - She listens to a familiar voice, focuses her eyes and between the yellow, blue and white haze in the background, she can see Steven's silhouette clear.Steven watched as she struggled to focus on him, but then, her eyes rolled back and her eyelids closed completely.In recent months, her mental health was only getting worse.Who would say that strong emotions can cause such strong physical discomforts?How much can you stretch your mind until you break again?When will you say it's enough?---For trauma such as Spinel's, she needs a lot of help to heal.This story takes place both in Earth and in Homeworld, with everyone who loves and cares about Spinel's health.
Relationships: Spinel/Steven Universe
Comments: 52
Kudos: 229





	1. Sickness

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I am so happy to finally be able to post this!  
Okay, so, this story contains many chapters that I will update as often and quickly as I can; My native language is not English, so I apologize in advance for any grammatical error.  
I am open to suggestions and corrections, both grammar and about history or things in particular that you would like to happen!
> 
> I will shred the story a little more in notes, small details or curiosities of the series that slip through the plot in case they have any doubt.
> 
> This chapter is more an introduction to the story, in the next ones I will explore the reason for her state and the development of Spinel with the rest of the characters (Especially with Steven) and of course, you will have a vision from outside of everything that happens in everybodys mind. 
> 
> The diamonds will be part of the story, Spinel lived with them in those months and of course, they love and care about her.  
The story will take place both on earth and in Homeworld. 
> 
> Also, the tags are there for a reason, read with care.  
I will also put a warning in the chapters that contain certain scenes.  
And I will add tags as the story progresses. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy it!

The three diamonds are on her, looking at Spinel anxiously.

She is lying horizontally on something she can identify as soft and comforting.

-Spinel? - She listens to a familiar voice, focuses her eyes and between the yellow, blue and white haze in the background, she can see Steven's silhouette clear.

The four diamonds were loomed over her with worried looks, sharing a dialogue she couldn't hear.

She felt sick all these days, now finally her body reached it's limit.

Who would say that strong emotions can cause such strong physical discomforts?

-Spinel- Again Steven's voice, stronger and authoritative this time, but no less friendly.

It seemed that his voice was getting farther and farther, his silhouette slowly deformed until it was nothing more than another blurry and colorful spot in her point of view and then nothing.

Steven watched as she struggled to focus on him, but then, her eyes rolled back and her eyelids closed completely.

That was the breaking point for Steven, he firmly denied making a decision.

-Spinel comes to earth with me-

-But, Steven! - The voice of the three diamonds echoed in the room, complaining about the idea of separating from her little treasure when she was in such bad shape.

-Without buts- Steven exclaimed making a sign to the three pearls that were standing next to the room, admiring the scene worried without getting into it.

They progressed a lot in those two years, but they slowly broke the habits of eons, one of them was to interrupt their diamonds when they were busy or when they didn't call them.

Lately they were improving on that, but there was something about the nervous energy that the diamonds transmitted that made them stay on the side.

They approach the center of the room, seeing a sick Spinel lying on a bed that the pebbles created for her.

To be frank, she look terrible.

-Is there anything you know that has put it her this way? - Gems did not get sick commonly, not as far as he knew. He lived sixteen years surrounded by gems that came out with light clothes in winter, cured their contagious diseases and never caught a simple cold.

He removed his organic jacket by gently lifting Spinel's back to sit on the bed, who seemed barely to register the action of others while he wrapped his jacket on her shoulders.

The three pearls gave the same answer as diamonds: a negative.

As far as everyone knew, Spinel had been fine yesterday, when she was playing and singing songs in the pool with the rest of the diamonds.

No one noticed anything.

_She_ didn't say anything.

And now Steven reloaded her in his arms to take her to the Warp Pad while she didn't seem to record what was happening to her, she open and close her eyes in a sleepy, vague way. 

She look at an empty point completely oblivious to the outside world.

-Steven! Wait- White Diamond begged completely worried as he took just three steps to reach the boy running to the Warp Pad.

-We want to go with her- She knelt causing a small tremor on the floor, followed by several more steps behind her.

-Yes, please! - Blue and Yellow begged.

This could not be happening, they could not lose someone they adored ... again.

They had to go and make sure that she is fine, that she will recover soon.

-Guys, what are we talking about? You can't warp there. It's too small for you, you can come in your ship later, I'll take care of everything, Spinel will be fine- He smiled, hiding the stab of concern he felt, hiding his feelings from the matriarchs.

He could swear that if they had a supplication or a puppy face, it was this one.

-I will inform you of her state, I promise. Now I need to go- He turned taking the last step toward the platform, deforming toward the ground.

Steven hated to leave those three with that latent concern, but when he looked down to see the gem that rested on his chest, he remembered why the huge rush.

He had never seen her worse than now.

Energetic as she used to be (even when she was furious. _ Especially _ when she was furious) now she was just an inert body in his arms, swaying slightly at every step he took.

Now, her eyes had closed completely and the vibrant pink of her skin looked dull and sickly.

The outline of her eyes still had rose in them; Spinel had cried recently?

She had been living with diamonds for a few months, despite the enormous trauma she dealt with day and night, he thought she would be better.

_ At least better than this _, he thought.

A bright light invaded the recently added dome to the temple, gently depositing two gems on the smooth and crystalline surface.

The first thing the boy did, was to go down to his room, depositing Spinel in his own bed to keep her comfortable and then down the stairs running for help.

Maybe Pearl knew something about mysterious gem diseases or Garnet could foresean a cure for her.

Maybe she ate something in disrepair?

No, that was out of the question, there was no food at Homeworld and not even a five-year-old donkey would put her that bad.

Many more options crossed his mind as he walked down the stairs, wandering between simple and deadly diseases.

There were no crystal shrimps, right?

As a child in the Sea Spire, Pearl explained in her frantic screams that they venom was deadly, but those animals did not exist in Homeword, much less in the palace of diamonds ...or did they?

_ Stop rambling, concentrate Universe _. He scolded himself mentally, forcing himself to return to reality and ask for help from the gems.

Spinel needed him.

-Guys? - He called out loud before even analyzing the room to process that Pearl was preparing breakfast, Amethyst chatted happily with her while stealing the occasional ingredient from the table and Garnet was just sitting on the sofa thoughtful.

For years, he thought it was boring to be quiet looking or doing nothing, but since he knew that she was a fusion made of love, he knew that she was not alone and certainly not bored.

Who knows what was going on in her head, something romantic, perhaps.

He had caught her more than once smiling with a smile that he could only classify as that of a completely and hopelessly in love.

The thunderous way in which under the stairs, almost tripping over his own steps, quickly caught Pearl's attention.

Despite being a diamond and quite resistant to blows and falls (including that he could also float) the maternal instinct that developed in sixteen years taking care of him remained intact.

-Steven! Be careful, you could ... -

-It's Spinel! - He interrupted in the middle of her sentence, without giving her a chance to finish her speech about never running on the stairs and how dangerous it could be to fall from them (Even knowing that he was rolling in his bubble down the stairs for fun) .

-I think she's sick, you need to come with me now-

Before Pearl was able to articulate a sentence, she felt a hand take her wrist and pull her to the stairs, forcing her to drop the ladle in her hand awkwardly in the kitchen and run away.

-Steven! - Pearl reproached for the way to practically drag her into the room, those were two imprudencies in no time.

Any other word or claim she could have for him, died in her mouth when she saw the little pink gem lying on the bed and watched as Steven moved frantically at her side, worry remarking in his expressions and body language. 

  
  


Garnet and Amethyst shared a brief look, from their point of view, everything happened so fast that they could barely understand the word "Spinel" before Steven pushed Pearl down the stairs.

Garnet was the first to react and get up by climbing to see the stage unfolding in his room. Amethyst was just moments behind her.

-What happened? - Pearl asked sneaking up to the bed, quickly noticing the paleness of the gem.

Although her appearance had changed dramatically in a way that reflected all the pain inside her, the small details of her discomfort could be seen with the naked eye.

She look terrible.

-I don't know- Steven replied nervously.

-The diamonds don't know, the Pearls either, nobody knows what happened to her!- He watched as Pearl approached posing her sight in the brilliant heart-shaped gem, tentatively looking for a crack, wound, scrape, something out of place that explains her actual state.

The gems did not get sick, not as humans, not because of bacteria or viruses, they were not organic.

This had to be something that resides in her gem, but at first glance it was intact.

-This ... is strange- Pearl admitted.

-Gems ... do not get sick- Some toxins were capable of damaging them, but they were counted and there were definitely none of those in Homeworld, much less in the palace where the Diamonds lived.

-So what's wrong with her?- Steven was starting to get frustrated by the same concern.

Would she die? Would she be broken?

No. No, that was not going to happen.

He could fix her gem, she wouldn't die, she wouldn't even if she started to break, he would heal her. 

Spinel would be fine.

Perhaps if he repeated it enough to believe it, it would become a reality.

Garnet approached the opposite side of the bed, raising her hand and putting it on the forehead of the tired gem, barely placing her fingers in her skin, her expression told them that she was thinking, but knowing what, it was impossible.

She must be seeing the future. Steven thought.

-Well? - He asked expectantly.

-It's not her gem- Garnet made a small grimace by removing her hand.

She could feel the gems, that's why she used to lead missions, touch structures and know how unstable they were, know that there was a corrupt gem nearby or an intruder near her, besides being able to see them for her future vision.

She could feel Spinel and her physical form was weak, but not broken. Her gem was intact.

The problem did not originate physically, it was not a blow, a fall, a poison.

She let out a small sigh, turning away to look up at Seven, selecting the right words to tell him something she knew, was going to bother him.

-Indeed ... she is sick ... but this is not external- She started.

-What do you mean? - He asked confused, turning to see Spinel while he felt two gentle hands taking his shoulders.

\- Emotions affect gems. If they are intense enough, both cheerful or painful, they can poof us- as Spinel had already done in the Garden as soon as she learned that her "best friend" had left her with no intention of coming back for her.

-But we also wear out physically and mentally- in that, they looked a lot like humans.

No being could feel terribly bad for a long period of time and maintain its normal health and energy.

Steven blinked, tilting his head a little towards Spinel with a stab of sadness in his chest.

She was still depressed, still in pain and this was her body's way of demonstrating how she felt.

It was not a poison, it was not broken, it was not damaged and for some reason this was the cause it did not reassure him at all.

She was sick, but it wasn't just physical, it was mental.

And she needed help.

She _ really _needed it.


	2. Wrong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!  
Again, my native language isn't English, so I apologize for possible spelling or grammar mistakes and I am willing to read any corrections! 
> 
> The tags are there for a reason, I will put warnings in the chapters when they get dark anyway.  
I will update about once a week, maybe before if I am inspired.  
I hope you enjoy!

Since the injector incident, it had been almost a year.

A year in which it took months to repair all the damage in Beach City and Little Homeworld, and there were still some small sequels to repair.

The damage was huge, Steven spent weeks kissing the earth and returning organic life to it, the gems worked with humans to rebuild the city, and he also had to heal some humans who had had fatal accidents with the bright pink substance, luckily, none of them died.

Despite the time that passed, Steven could still clearly remember Spinel (It's not as if forgetting her was easy after the catastrophic scenario she create.)

The joy and enthusiasm that her old form had, ready to joke, play, make friends.

"_Innocent ... loving ... stupid!"_

The three words echoed in Steven's head, words that Spinel has used to describe herself, bringing back the memory of her most recent version.

Impulsive, dangerous, aggressive, _ hurt. _

The thought that someone could be hurt at such a level of changing from the sweetest end to an opposite as marked as Spinel's change was still surprising.

If he had known her in her most tender version first, he would hardly believe she was able to become in this.

She looked too pure and innocent to damage a fly, however, she went with an injector, in full use of reason, to kill a bunch of innocents in an impulse of rage and pain.

All for his mother, all because she changed her appearance and pretended to be an angel opening doors and opportunities to all, except for the only gem that depended completely on her.

He knew that Spinel was hurt, that she was suffering a lot.

It was understandable, those millennia alone in the garden not only made her feel abandoned, but that they broke it in an irreversible way, even if it improves and left everything behind, it would never be the same

Damn it, her mind was shattered, her mother ruined her, used her as a toy and forgot her as if she didn't care about the fact that Spinel was alive, that she felt and that her smile was not eternal.

His mother managed to completely extinguish the smile on the face of someone who was nothing more than an explosion of joy and innocence.

If there was someone or something in Homeworld near a child, Steven could swear that it used to be Spinel.

It was still hard to imagine her still, quiet, smiling at nothing while she waited for her best friend to come for her, give her a hug and tell her that the game was over, that she won.

  
  


Steven let out a heavy sigh, closing his eyes and leaning back in a chair, tapping his head lightly on the wall of his room.

Even in that position, he turned his head to see Spinel rest in his bed.

She look so exhausted and weak, that even asleep, for some particular expression that Steven couldn't identify, she didn't seem to be resting.

She seemed tense even unconscious.

Every time he looked at her he felt a stab of guilt on his chest, he shouldn't have left her with the diamonds, they were just learning to treat other gems with respect and affection, he knew they might not become the kind of love Spinel needed. 

Although he really thought they were going to give her the attention she required.

He might not be an expert in mental disorders and how to treat them, but he could be completely sure that whatever is going through Spinel's head was not easy to fix.

She was by far the most damaged gem he knew.

Spinel needed affection and feeling in company, but she couldn't let anyone get close enough to be as close to her as she thought Pink was.

She had a gigantic problem with confidence.

She was too damaged to open up and trust her mental stability in someone else, but at the same time, she needed someone, whoever, to be with her.

While looking at her with an expression of sadness, he review the events of the day in chronological order, remembering how on earth he had become so happy and worried so quickly.

  
  
  


It was a tired day after helping to rebuild the largest Homeworld structure, the gafolding belonging to Bismuth (She seemed to adore that creation for some reason).

He went to sleep early, so exhausted that he didn't even bother having dinner.

He woke up in the morning with a scent of hot chocolate and waffles flooding the house, even unconsciously, the smell of a delicious breakfast and the perfume of flowers that Pearl always left on his sheets after washing them, would be one of his precious memories of his childhood.

Yawning taking off his laziness, he look sideways at the Cookie Cat clock on his light table, it was early, the faint orange light seeped through the window.

It was just dawn.

He took a deep breath and smiled, everything was fine, his family was fine, his home, the earth.

_ Please, that mom has not abandoned anyone else to come against me today._

The thought crossed his mind and he let out a small sigh.

He will always have more work to do, but at least he could enjoy the quiet days with his family. Right?

His stomach growled for food when another wave of the delicious aroma of waffles reached his bed.

Right. He didn't eat dinner last night, his body asked for food.

He got up lazily, dragging his bare feet on the floor, going to the bathroom to cool off first of all.

When he was a child he always wore the same combination of clothes, not only because he has a lot, but also because he dreamed every day to be like Pearl, Garnet and Amethyst.

Being a real Crystal Gem, he dreamed of being like his mother more than anything.

Bismuth's words sounded so great the first time he heard them.

"You don't have to be like your mother, you can be someone even better than her."

If he was honest, everyone was better than her.

She save the earth, but she keep many secrets that hurt everyone, including him.

Steven wanted to believe that she was the gem that everyone told him about and admired so much as a child.

Despite all her mistakes, there must have been some of that precious Rose Quartz inside of her.

He wish to speak with her. The real one, without lies or a room that creates her as he wants her to be.

His stomach roared again.

Very early for unanswered questions from his mother.

After a shower, he went under the stairs listening to the small initial murmur grow louder, distinguishing Amethyst's voice chatting on a subject with Garnet and Pearl's sweet voice humming a song while leaving his breakfast at the table.

He did not notice the small diamond-shaped device on the dome of the warp pad shining on three faces with three different colors for the sixth time in the early morning.

He could make breakfast on his own, but if Pearl was free she always prepared it.

Perhaps it was because the more he grew up, the less likely she was to pamper him like a small child, knowing her, she would spoil him as much as she could even when he hurns one hundred and twenty-one.

-Hey Steven! - Amethyst exclaimed raising a hand to greet him sitting on the couch, dragging his name as when she wanted to ask or convince him of something.

-I got Pearl to buy the video game we wanted! Do you want to come play it? - she ask smiling.

Sideways, he thought he saw Pearl roll her eyes.

At sixteen, he had permission to do some other things he had always wanted, such as driving and playing violent or horror video games.

Before, he could not stand them, they gave him chills and nightmares, now he had discovered that it was great to feel the terror without necessarily being in real danger as _ many _ times before.

He loved them, but Pearl was still very suspicious of them even knowing they were just human entertainment.

-If i didn't, she would steal it- Pearl responded by giving Amethyst a look.

Steven loved that they can now have opposing views and laugh at looks or arguments.

They were no longer fights like when he was a child, they never fought.

-Oh come on! - Amethyst river turning to see her

-We save the earth! Why should we give a paper for something we want? - Neither she or Garnet understood the importance of the human economy.

It was just a damn paper. Why people starve to death for not having one of those to exchange for food? It was incredibly stupid.

Steven couldn't argue the first time Amethyst said that.

It was completely true.

He sat down to eat, gently shaking Amethyst's proposal.

-I'm going to help Bismuth, she needs some extra help at Little Homeworld- To be fair, she needed a _ lot _ of help.

-Ohhh man! Well.... I'll go help too. This is boring- Amethyst was usually walking around Little Homeworld. She loved that so many gems want to make their home on earth and he loved to meet them all. 

Doing anything as relaxing as it was, it became boring over time.

-Sure- Steven smiled and swallowed his breakfast in less than ten minutes. Not having dinner was taking its toll and all the food cooked by Pearl was delicious.

For someone who didn't taste a bite of what she cooked, she had a gift for food.

As soon as he got up, he climbed the stairs with Amethyst to the Warp Pad, vaguely greeting Garnet and Pearl.

Steven notice halfway the relentless flickering of colors that dimly lit the corridor, notoriously distinguishing them from the golden glow that barely filtered through the window.

-Is it ... the communicator? - Amethyst asked curiously, following the steps to the large glass dome.

Usually, Steven sighed notoriously and exaggeratedly when he saw the supplications coming so that he stayed at Homeworld or the sticky affection of the three, but lately they speak very little with him and on each call he asked about Spinel.

A few months ago he did not hear much details of her, the diamonds only told him how excited they were to have her, the games they played, the songs, how much they adored their little "treasure."

They had even given her an affectionate nickname, from afar, everything seemed to be going well despite the fact that he never get to really see her in person o talk to her. Not even in calls.

The truth was that Spinel was a very good liar.

She wasn't fine.

She was far from fine.

-I answer this and then we go, okay? - He turned to the device, turning it around to receive the incoming call.

The first thing he heard was an intense "Steven!".

It was not his name that alarmed him, nor the three voices in unison, but the tone in which they said it.

It wasn't affectionate, sweet or expressed how much they had been missed him as in previous calls.

No, this time, the tone was almost desperate, he could feel the concern that leaked into the three diamond when they exclaimed his name.

-Uhm…hi? What's the matter?- Steven looked at the three faces with marked concern in their expressions.

They could be somewhat dramatic, but there was something in his tone, in the energy they transmitted that told him that something was very wrong.

-It's Spinel! - White diamond spoke, practically without leaving Yellow and Blue a chance to explain the situation.

For a gem that spent years isolated, she had a very affectionate personality.

-What ... what happened to Spinel? - The idea of going to Little Homeworld to help Bismuth had already been completely erased from his head by now, all he cared about was knowing what had happened to that pink gem.

He might not be responsible for his mother's mistakes, but that didn't mean that those mistakes didn't feel or needed help.

-We do not know! She was fine, she came with us to play a game, but suddenly ... - Yellow tried to explain, but was interrupted by a voice with a more drastic tone.

-You need to come, now! - White exclaimed again.

For the first time in his life, Steven saw real concern in their expressions, not just an overreacted trick for him to stay with them.

-Please, she doesn't wake up. We tried everything- Blue said with her hands against her chest, joining White's pleas.

After that, he only article "I'm on my way", turned off the device and ran to the warp pad, heading to the palace and into Spinel's room.

He didn't even bother to give Amethyst or anyone else an excuse before leaving.

  
  


Steven left his memories releasing a sigh, all he saw when he arrived was three sifted diamonds on a small, fluffy bed that the pebbles had made for Spinel.

It was a hectic, worrying morning that kept him alert all day.

It was already night, Spinel had not moved all day from his bed had not shown even the slightest sign of awareness.

Steven slowly shook his head to see the gem lying down, looking in detail.

Pale, tense, exhausted, her eyes looked as if she had cried a lot again.

Her makeup was still running in her cheeks, she had the same bags under her eyes, the same scratches on her arms ...

Wait...what?

He tentatively watched his arms, paying attention to them, rising for a moment from the chair to hover over the bed and see her.

She had scratches all over her arms, small, large, mostly on the back of her wrists.

-Spinel? - Steven whisper forgetting for a little moment that she was not listening.

Some scratches could be an accident, a blow, a fall that she do not plan, but judging by the elasticity and the reflexes she possessed, it was very unlikely that she would be hurt by something so simple.

In addition, they were not scratches on her hands, elbows or knees, this was not a fall.

Someone had to do them.

The diamonds seemed to adore her, they wouldn't hurt her, they worried a lot to see her that weak, but now she had another question for them.

How in the universe did they not notice this?

The marks were pale, not as marked as they should be if her skin was human, but they were there.

Steven gently ran his hand over her arm, reviewing the weak marks that cover her.

She did this herself?

Was she really that bad?

He thought she had improved at least a little since she went to Homeworld, but far from doing so, she got worse.

A faint sigh stopped all the movement his hand made as soon as he touched her, forcing him to look up suddenly in the direction of Spinel's face.

Now, she had a little grimace on her face, she breathed more noticeably than a few moments ago and slightly shook her head.

She was waking up.

-Spinel? - His name came from his lips in the form of a question as for the tenth time in the day.

-Hey ... Spinel- He repeated in a soft tone suitable for the silence that covered the room.

She gently opened her eyes, blinking several times to get used to the light even if it was very dim.

Her head throbbed as if she had been beaten, her eyes burned with tears many hours ago and her body felt sore.

She could be incredibly elastic, but her body ached with every move she make, she was really tense, even asleep she didn't rest.

Spinel focused his eyes on Steven, visibly confused and sleepy.

What had happened?

For Steven, it was only seconds, but he could tell the exact moments when Spinel realized what was happening, where she was and with whom.

Three seconds.

That was what it took for the dream haze to clear, bringing all her memories and emotions back at once.

The Diamonds were with her before all this will happen.

She remembered hearing her name worried, a gentle yellow hand taking her before she fell from the armrest of her seat and then only blurry pieces.

Voices speaking, lights, colors. Everything happened very fast or very slow, was foreign to everything, could not see or understand anything.

Her gaze was fixed on him when tears began to itch in her eyes.

-No ... - She whisper in a voice so low that Steven could barely hear.

From all places in the universe, with all existing beings, they brought her to earth with him.

Why?

Oh ... It's the diamond that can cure gems, right.

That didn't make her feel any better.

This was wrong, _ really _wrong, she wanted to disappear from the face of the earth, cease to exist, stop worrying.

_Stupid, stupid, stupid!_

Spinel's hands traveled to her face, covering her eyes when a sob detaches from her throat.

She was too weak to run, she felt too exposed to pretend.

She was sure he already knew everything.

Her farce had fallen, she couldn't hide or smile and lie.

Steven's heart cringed to see her, she just woke up and the first thing she did was cry.

-Spinel ... - He approached slowly, sitting on the side of the bed while taking her wrists, pulling them as delicately as possible.

-Look at me. It's okay- He used the softest voice he could with her, trying to convey some calm or security.

He failed completely.

-No! - She screamed. -No, it isn't! - She shook her arms, taking his grip off her.

Everything was wrong.

She felt exposed, as if they had discovered her biggest secret, he was too close and not in a physical way.

Steven was seeing what she didn't want anyone to see.

She wanted him away, she wanted everyone away.

Spinel didn't know at what exact moment her breathing changed from slow and soft to a fast, needy, desperately trying to get air even if it was not essential to live.

The diamonds knew it.

They saw her.

There was no turning back from this.

She disappoint them, she disappoint everyone.

-It's wrong! Everything is wrong! - _ She _ was wrong.

She was the problem without arrangement.

The hands that covered her face, now went up to her pigtails pulling them hard.

In a matter of seconds, she pulled so hard until she felt the familiar burning in her head, and behind that, comfort.

Oh, she deserved this.

She was a despicable monster and deserved something even worse than this.

-Spinel! - Steven's hands went to hers, taking her again from both wrists to stop her.

-Enough! You're hurting yourself! - Yes. That's exactly what she wanted. 

She wanted to go further and deeper than this.

He could not leave her to do that and not only because he promised diamonds to help her.

He pull her hand until they slowly detached from her hair, dragging an odd strand between her fingers.

-Enough- he repeated firmly, looking her in the eye without letting go of her hands.

-Breathe, it's okay, you're safe.- He insisted with remarkable concern, approaching her.

-Look around you, it's just us Spinel, calm down- Under the hands of others slowly, watching as she closed her eyes tightly and sobbed.

Thoughts revolved in her head repeating the same thing over and over again.

_Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong._

His hands traveled to her shoulders, drawing her carefully, being firm and flexible.

He would release her if that's what she wanted.

As usual, Spinel's feelings were unstable, desperate for love, but too scared to let anyone in.

When Steven approached her, she wanted to cry on his shoulder and vent everything she had inside as much as she wanted to break him in half and hit him until there is nothing left but dust.

She wanted to kill him ... she wanted to hurt him, she wanted to break his bones one by one, hit him until there was nothing left but the echo of her sobs and the guilt she knew she would feel, but at the same time, she was supposed to be her friend.

She just wanted to be his friend.

Another sob came from her lips, thick tears running down her cheeks.

Why did she want to hurt him so badly?

_Why couldn't she be good?_

She wanted to hurt herself, she wanted to feel pain, she deserved it.

Spinel wanted a punishment for thinking that way, for worrying everyone, for being so stupid.

Two gentle arms pulled her body, sending a small stab of pain through her tired muscles.

The next thing she felt was something soft, with a light fragrance of perfume and two warm arms who drew her a little closer.

_ Comfort._ Oh, stars, it felt good.

More tears clouded her eyes, the kind gesture erased any emotion or aggressive thought she might have.

That gesture reminded her how much thirsty for love she was, for a tender or affectionate gesture.

This time, it hurt in a different place, in the place of her heart that was worthwhile for herself, the feeling of not deserving what happened, what had been done to her. 

In recent months, that corner of her emotions was so dull, silenced by the voices in her head that he was shouting that it was her fault.

Pink didn't love you, and it was _ your _ fault.

_ You _ were not enough.

Here, in his arms, that little corner felt content, as an extra help that managed to give her relief.

She felt understood, small, helpless, innocent and silly again all at once.

She set the monster aside just for now and she held onto his hug. 

Now she cried for her, for all she suffered, for the smile she had for years in the garden waiting for Pink.

For her hug she wait for so long, for the love she wanted to receive and it was denied to her, for feeling like your chest ached with loneliness and abandonment, that neither shouting, crying or hurting could erase that feeling.

Her arms fell inert to his sides, just letting him hug her, letting comfort spread in her body in a warm and affectionate way.

She cry on his shoulder, listening to small words, whispers in her ear, were so soft that she could understand them only when she voluntarily concentrated on paying attention to them.

They were the same pattern of words resonating again and again.

"It's okay, you're fine, you're not alone, you're going to feel good, this will happen."

Honestly, she felt that this would never go away.

They stayed in that position for a long time, enough so that the sobs lowered their intensity, sometimes, rising again until they were reduced to nothingness.

Almost an hour for tears to stop running down her cheeks and her breathing regulated again.

When Steven stopped listening to her, it was when he barely looked down at the gem in his arms.

Her body rested against his, her head on his shoulder, he felt her warm breath on his neck.

She was asleep.

Only when he was completely sure that she was sleeping, was it when he allowed himself to let out a heavy sigh of sadness.

All this time, all those months and she didn't receive help from him because he decided it was better to let her go with the diamonds, he didn't hug her before because he didn't want to get involved with her.

Because he didn't want her to hold onto him.

He stroked her overwhelmed back; Did he ever stop to think she could be like Pearl? Like Garnet or Amethyst?

She could raise him, could love him like them.

She could be a Crystal Gem, because she's just like them, because she fits.

If only Pink had given her a chance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Im happy to read them*-*
> 
> The next chapter will be more focused on Spinel and what happened at Homeworld and with diamonds, why she didn't find the comfort in them that she needed.  
Also, i talk a little about Rose / Pink in this chapter from a Steven perspective, it is not fixed, because his way of thinking about her will evolve in the following chapters and even though what she did was terrible, I also want to put myself in her shoes and giving Steven some empathy with his mother and her mistakes (Living eons with abusers can't be easy, the fact that she has some kindness and is not a tyrant like them is surprising).  
Her ways were not the right ones, but we'll se that later ;)
> 
> Thanks for reading!!


	3. Diamonds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! My native language is not English, so I apologize for possible spelling or grammar mistakes!  
I am open to suggestions or corrections!
> 
> The tags are there for a reason, I will put a warning in the chapter when it turns dark anyway.
> 
> And happy birthday to my friend Khiara who is reading this <3  
I hope you enjoy!

_"Today, right here, right now, i already feel found."_

Spinel smiled looking down to see Steven in the hands of the Diamonds.

She had made a disaster on earth and now she had a chance to start over from scratch, make new friends, overcome her pain and move on.

Now she had a new home and couldn't be more grateful for that.

The Diamonds no longer lived working every minute of every day of their lives, doing nothing or having a lot of time for them was new ... and boring.

That was the reason why they enjoyed having Steven so close, enjoyed time with him, had fun and constantly learned things from themselves as from others (Although sometimes it costs them how not to destroy a lower gem that had treated them with equality and not with superiority)

White more than anyone.

Yellow disarmed her colonies and her armies, Blue never shattered or made anyone cry.

White in two years only learned to say please and thank you and to treat other gems with a little more equality.

It wasn't too much, but it was something.

Without Steven nearby they were so bored that they considered going to earth with him to live on a planet that they didn't like at all. 

Now that they had Spinel, they could pamper her with attention and affection all the time, which is just what she needed, so Steven thought they would be the right kinda love.

Spinel was attached, needed someone who stayed with her all the time and feel in company and never rejected or misplaced.

Judging by the zero confidence she had that others would return to her and not leave her alone, gems as needy as diamonds were perfect.

Even if Spinel had a toxic fear of being left alone for a second, one of the three would always be free to suffocate her with love.

Steven knew that firsthand.

  
  
  


While Spinel slept on his shoulder, dry tears on her cheeks, he kept thinking about it.

He thought that letting her go with them was a good option, even the pleas that he went to visit them significantly declined, on every call he asked about Spinel and the diamonds always told him little anecdotes, games, songs. They looked so happy talking about her that they didn't even complain that he wasn't going to visit them in a while.

"I need to fix some things on earth," that was his excuse.

He thought everything was fine.

It clearly wasn't like that.

With great care, he rested Spinel's weight on the hand behind her back, holding her neck and head with his other hand, gently removing her off his shoulder and laying her on the bed without waking her up.

As a human half gem, needs such as sleep were basic, but over the years he began to notice that he did not need it as before.

He could spend a whole day without sleep and have energy from start to finish, maybe a little more before having a need for sleep.

Staying the whole night taking care that she don't have nightmares or wake up crying again was his first option, resigning himself to leaving his bed for now.

Maybe later he could make her a place in the temple, or a home in Little Homeworld if she didn't want to go back with the diamonds.

Steven let out a heavy sigh; What if she didn't want to go back? If she preferred the earth instead of the Diamonds?

How would he tell them that their little treasure didn't want to return?

-Stop Universe, don't jump to conclusions, you still don't know what she wants- He scolded himself quietly.

He literally didn’t talk to her, just saw her unconscious and calmed her down when she woke up and the first thing she did was cry. Maybe she wanted to come back.

_ But she wasn't fine there _.

The thought crossed his mind and he let out a sigh.

What could have gone wrong? They didn't want her? Didn't they care about her enough?

_ They hurt her? _

No. They wouldn't … right?

He took one last look at Spinel, his eyes traveled to her arms, more specifically, to the small marks that adorned them.

The Diamonds had their past physically and mentally hurting gems, but they had changed, they didn't hurt even their pearls.

Spinel had to be the cause of those marks, which did not reassure him at all.

He would have to wait for her to wake up to shed light on his doubts.

  
  


That moment not only took one night, but also one day, and two, it wasn't until the third day in the afternoon that Spinel finally opened her eyes.

She was mentally exhausted, unable to rest even if she slept, but crying with someone else managed to take a little weight off her shoulders, at least for the period of time she was asleep.

She manage to sleep three days without interruptions, without nightmares, without waking up crying suddenly.

The sound that brought her out of her dream was a strong, metallic one, followed by a small tremor throughout the house.

Virtually throughout the city.

It was gentle, did not destroy any structure or cause any damage, but it was remarkable.

She blinked drowsily, getting used to the light in the room, no lamp was on, but the bright sunlight filtered heavily in the windows and burned in her irritated eyes.

In those last months she learned to love the first three seconds after waking up, they were the only moments in which she felt nothing.

Only peace and quiet before the memories and the internal weight inside her chest come back suddenly.

To her own surprise, her body did not send a pang of pain as she moved, which allowed her to sit in that bed in peace.

It had really been the first three days in months in which she actually got to rest a little.

Spinel look around, searching for signs of something or someone, she notice she was still in Steven's room, but she was completely alone.

The air smelled in a very peculiar way, very sweet, to something she could not identify, but it was pleasant.

There was a soft murmur whose words she could not distinguish, and even closer, simultaneously and in the opposite direction to the other, a conversation.

She could not know exactly all the words, but his voice. It was Steven's.

Spinel brought both of her hands to her face, rubbing her eyes a little to ease the burning and to observe more closely, listening to more details of the conversation, clearer and clearer words as the seconds went by.

It came from above, from the sector of the house with the glass dome and the warp pad, but it took seconds for the owner of that voice to go down the stairs and pass in front of the open door.

He had a communicator in hand and did not even turn to see her.

She could only distinguish a few words, but he seemed quite busy.

Right, he was a diamond, surely he had issues to fix with gems that wanted to move to the earth or who knows what.

Usually, in those three days he checked her regularly, he even asked the gems to do it if he had to leave for some reason, although he avoid it at all costs.

On that particular day, he was paying much more attention to the communicator because the diamonds warned him that they would go to see Spinel when the ship was literally landing on the ground.

He didn't blame them, they insisted a lot with messages and calls that he answered vaguely, just informing them that she was still asleep.

He didn't tell them about Garnet's words or that Spinel had woken up crying and that her fainting was nothing more than accumulated mental fatigue.

He didn't tell them why she was the way she was. He didn't know what role they played in this, so he preferred to listen to Spinel's version first, even if he doubted they would hurt her, he just wanted to be sure.

The only thing Spinel could hear was "Diamonds" "Spinel" and "Asleep".

Three words that were more than enough to give a small context what was happening.

He must be talking to diamonds, he should be telling them about her.

Her legs slid on the bed, sticking to her chest as she hugged them, an unconscious way of needing to feel safe.

Her eyes itched again, tears gathered in the corner as she buried her face in her legs.

She couldn't help thinking about them and how this all started.

  
  
  


The first day, the moment she could get her feet on that ship to go to Homeworld, she felt her stomach churn in complete nervousness.

_ Breathe, it's fine _. She thought.

I was going to make new friends and from scratch, with no mistakes involved.

-So ... Spinel- White Diamond began approaching the little gem standing in her hands to her face, seeing her with two huge and curious eyes.

Neither she nor Blue or Yellow noticed the huge change in appearance she had in those six thousand years, not even the makeup that ran like three dark lines on her cheeks.

She supposed that in the past they hadn't paid much attention to her, she met them and played with them when Pink dragged them into the garden for fun; more than anything to Blue and Yellow, White was only once, when they gave her the garden and Spinel.

A gem intended solely for fun and an entire place to play.

Spinel was so happy that day, she still remembered the hug that Pink gave her, laughing and welcoming in her arms full of happiness for having a place where she didn't have to appear to be perfect.

Over the years, the visits of each diamond ceased as the gap between them widened, reducing visits to Pink and her Pearl.

The fact that somehow they do not know how much she had changed and especially that they do not know the immeasurable damage she had done to the earth reassured her.

-Spinel? -

Oh Right. She was talking to her.

-Ah ... yes my diamond? - She stuttered looking at the huge White gem.

-Oh dear, you don't have to call me that, you can call me White- She smiled kindly.

In Spinel's memory, Yellow and Blue fell for Pink's games. White was too perfect to waste time in useless games or organic places.

It was still new to see the change they had in recent years even after singing a song and receiving it with open arms.

-Then, Spinel ... I asked you how did you get to earth? -

Oh, _ Oh no _.

-I ... I received Steven's message ... - She explain, that part was true ... she didn't need to tell them that she had gone with the goal of killing him along with all life on earth and in fact, she almost made it.

Spinel was sure that if she told them they would hate her.

How could they not do it?

_ You are a monster _.

She closed her eyes quickly when that thought crossed her mind, shaking it away from her head.

This was her new opportunity.

They would be her new best friends, Homeworld would be her home, she would forget Pink, the earth, the garden.

All her pain would be left behind and replaced with games and happiness.

Oh stars, how wrong she was.

She didn't give any other details about how and why she had appeared so suddenly; Now, the emotion she felt as soon as she accepted they proposal was gone and replaced with fear.

They would hate her for this ... She could not say anything, but what if they found out? If one day Steven, or some other gem on earth tell them?

I wasn't really starting from scratch right?

She didn't hurt just anyone, she hurt someone who cared immensely.

She swallow saliva forming a forced smile, changing the subject to a joke, jokes, games, songs.

Whatever distracts her from thinking that sooner or later they would hate her and throw her away.

She would not say anything, she would never open her mouth to admit what happened those days on earth, if it depended on her, the three diamonds would never know of that incident.

Everything began with a fear, a doubt, with a small secret that was enlarged like a snowball falling down a hill, ending in months to leave her saying nothing but lies.

Gosh, she was _ so _ tired.

Spinel loved them, they were always for her, Yellow was her best audience for jokes, she always managed to make her laugh and she loved it.

She had forgotten how good it felt to make someone laugh.

She and Blue always do duets, sing songs, swim. Well ... Spinel swam, Blue just sat in the huge pool.

Sometimes Spinel combed her hair with a brush that she also sang, others, Blue delicately combed her pink hair, giving her a brush to her size.

White's facilities were very white and huge, sometimes she get lost in them, all the halls or rooms looked the same.

Spinel had discovered that White loved surprises, that she liked when her suddenly appeared in front of her with a funny face, or that she visited her without warning.

Puzzles were her favorite games, Spinel was very clever, but she couldn't beat White, it was a real competition and that's why it liked both.

They liked the challenges.

The three laughed and loved their acts.

In those months, she learned about Homeworld more than Pink herself, asking curiously about what they were doing, or about their worlds, colonies.

All were friendly, they always responded with a smile and patience, enjoying their company.

They even took her to a colony that never ended, leaving her to play in the organic and wild part, talking with strange gems, on the condition of being very careful and not going too far.

Spinel didn't even get out of sight, played and entertained them, making them have a good time.

Sometimes they were busy, disarming colonies, visiting worlds when the gems called them, fixing small details or problems, but even then, Spinel was never alone.

Pearls were always available, with them she played the greatest pranks, played hide and seek in the palace, played games in the pool, were allowed to go everywhere.

Everything was so perfect ... then why couldn't she be happy?

Diamonds loved her and Spinel loved them.

Everything was fine. Except for her.

  
  
  


A sob broke off her lips as she remembered how beautiful they had been in recent months, how well the diamonds had treated her.

They accepted her just as if she were one of them.

  
  
  


She take a deep breath, stopping her crying before it spreads endlessly.

She needed to know more, even if she didn't have the courage to talk to them now.

Spinel swallowed, she was afraid, she felt the unpleasant emotion build up in her chest as her legs unfolded and her hands clumsily dried her tears, dirtying the corner of her eyes with dark makeup.

The trail of makeup on her cheeks was cleaned the first day Blue invited her to her pool and made sure she didn't have it again even on the nights she cried.

Now even if she wanted to clean them, she had no handkerchief or water, she had no idea what it was a "bathroom", much less that Steven had one.

She barely lived one day on earth and all she did was try to destroy it.

  
  


She walked to the door, down the stairs trying not to make much noise with her squeaky shoes, although she knew that most likely she would attract attention to the gems in the house, she did feel uncomfortable with that; how could she not?

She attacked them and also their home.

  
  


It’s not that she has any other choice but to go down.

Just as she thought, the movement in the room stopped abruptly, fixing the eyes on her as soon as she crossed the door frame, going down the last steps.

Spinel hated feeling this exposed,she hated the earth.

As beautiful or welcoming as it may be, all she felt there was guilt and shame.

She didn't even dare to face Steven every time he called, she always made an excuse and now she was literally at his home, with his family after sleeping three days in his bed.

She felt extremely uncomfortable.

The three gems were there, but not Steven, she saw him go down, so she supposed he must have left.

The first to break the awkward silence was Amethyst, saying only one sentence.

-I'm ... I'm going to find Steven- A turn toward the door and out of sight of those present.

-Spinel! - A sharp and familiar voice called her name, taking a few small steps in her direction, but maintaining a respectable distance.

Pearl was trying to be kind, to talk to her and break the awkward moment, but it only made it worse.

-It’s ... nice to see you again- Fiddling with her hands on her chest, smiling nervously.

Spinel could not help feeling that she was doing it by obligation, because she was literally standing at her home.

She couldn't blame her, she was as uncomfortable as the rest. She wanted to go home.

-So ... - Pearl cleared her throat even while still fiddling with her hands.

-How was your time with diamonds? - She asked without knowing how to carry on a conversation with her without touching an awkward subject.

Talking about the millennia in which she saw her standing aside was not an option, neither on the earth, Pink _ much _ less.

Spinel heard a small sigh from Garnet, Pearl was not the best for this kind of conversation. Not that talking to Spinel without stepping on a possible detonator was easy.

She had to give her some credit for trying.

Before she even had the chance to open her mouth to answer, the door opened and a boy entered followed by Amethyst.

On his face you could see the relief and worry at the same time.

Was he this way for her?

-Spinel! Oh, thank goodness you wake up! - He approached her, looked awkward, but judging from everything that had happened, he didn't blame her.

-Are you ... okay? - Steven knew she wasn't, not really, but if she wasn't on the verge of another tear attack or worse, it could be considered fine.

-The diamonds are here ... they want to see you, they are very worried about you- He took a step closer to the gem, tentatively extending his hand.

He would like to talk to her about it without diamonds or any other gem nearby, but it would be unfair to tell them that Spinel was still asleep and further extend their concern.

They really cared about Spinel.

-What ...? - Spinel stopped, frozen in place without moving her hand or making any gesture that indicated she wanted to go with him.

She felt fear grow in her chest again.

She swallow the lump that formed in her throat, suddenly realizing everything.

He had not only spoken to them in the communicator, the metallic noise and the small tremor must have been the ship landing on the ground.

They were here.

They were looking for her.

_ No no no no. _ She wish she had remained asleep.

-Spinel? - Steven called, still with his hand extended towards her.

He was very careful, observing each and every one of her reactions.

From discomfort, quickly went to surprise and ... fear?

She was afraid of them?

-Spinel, don't you want to see them? - Her eyes turned crystalline, thousands of possibilities crossed her head about how this could go wrong.

-Spinel- This time, his hand touched hers, pulling her out of the trance she had entered.

She blinked, she was scared, anxious, she wanted to run and hide, but she couldn't do it forever, she loved them and didn't want to lose them forever.

But ... would they want her back?

-I want to go with them- she replied, staring at him, fear seeping into her eyes and the way she breathed, Steven could easily tell.

He also notice how her arms covered herself, her heart-shaped gem as if she wanted to protect herself or as if she wanted to cover herself.

Her feelings, her pain was in everyone's sight and she was so afraid of being in sight of diamonds.

-They are outside, but Spinel, are you sure? - Despite knowing that she was depressed, there was something in the way she spoke or decided on the diamonds he didn't like.

It was afraid in her eyes and doubted why was killing him.

-Yes- Spinel answered, stepping down the missing step, walking out of the house in the direction of the remarkable and gigantic ship on the beach, three diamonds waited together talking, but Spinel noticed that they didn't look as usual.

There was no happy smile on their faces or curiosity about every strange thing on earth, no scorn or disgust.

The only thing she could distinguish was worry, an expression she saw for the first time.

Steven left the house moments after her, just in time to see the three diamonds exclaim Spinel's name just as they used to exclaim his.

Blue and Yellow hovered over her to see her, White knelt causing a slight tremor on the floor.

-Oh Starlight, we were so worried! - She put her hand on her chest, looking at her with an expression mixed between love and worry.

-Yes, treasure that happened to you? - Blue approached joining White and after her, Yellow.

-Are you okay? - Even for Steven, Yellow was the diamond that showed less affection, her love was there, but you had to read it between the lines.

Now her concern was written all over her face.

Even that was not as surprising to Steven as Spinel's drastic change in attitude.

Despite her nerves, she smiled enormously, walking animatedly towards them as the happiest being on earth.

-Oh golly ... I'm sorry- She laughed nervously holding a hand behind her head, scratching her hair with an expression that denoted regret and fun at the same time.

Like a child when it was wrong and admitted it.

-I guess I was tired, I played spinning all night long!- She explained emphasizing the word "all" extending her hands to the air.

-I got too dizzy, I'm really sorry- She shrugged, conveyed pure innocence.

If Steven hadn't seen her cry, if Garnet hadn't told her the truth about her, he could swear she was telling the truth.

If he hadn't seen her pain, her fear, her tiredness, he would have believed her too.

The three diamonds released a relieved sigh, looking remarkably calmer.

-Oh Spinel ... what have we told you about that kind of games? - White scolds with the sweetest tone possible.

"_ Those _ kinda games?"

-Yes, sweetie, we don't want you to get hurt- Blue reached out her hand, stroking one of her tails with love.

-So ... are you okay now? Was it nothing serious? - Yellow asked just to make sure.

They questions sent a surge of relief through her body, they didn't know, they believed her lie ... again.

She did not disappoint them.

They still love her.

Spinel shook her head while Steven gaped at her.

Her attitude, the way of talking, walking, everything changes.

The only thing that stayed the same were her eyes.

She was smiling from ear to ear, her face and body gave off energy and happiness, but her eyes didn't.

They were the reflection of what she really felt.

Fear was gone, but nerves seeped into them, sadness, emptiness.

She looked like an empty shell, harboring nothing but lies and pain.

Spinel was really a good liar.

-All right, then ... let's go home- Yellow's finger went to her cheek, giving her a little caress before separating to get up.

Steven was so surprised at what he saw and heard, that he could barely make a word to stop the scene that was going on around him.

-No! - He exclaimed quickly, the three diamonds stopped their movements paying attention to him, surprised by his sudden burst.

He turned his eyes to Spinel and for the first time since he came out with the diamonds, her smile fell.

He wouldn't tell them would he? He couldn't, they did not know, she didn't disappoint them, they thought it was another game, a simple silly mistake.

They were about to leave, she was about to leave her little slip behind and return to her routine as soon as she returned home.

So _ why _ was he stopping her?

-What are you doing Spinel? - Steven approached her, speaking unusually low, but still not enough for the diamonds not to hear.

That fainting was not a spinning game until she got dizzy, nor was crying on waking or sleeping three days because of the enormous emotional weight she carries.

Her depression was not a game, and judging by how her body had reacted, this was not new, this took months.

She hasn't improved a little since she left, she just spiraled and got even worse.

The scratches, she must have justified them in the same way, using her ingenuity and making them believe that it was just a silly game that went wrong.

Steven was sure that what White meant by "Those games" were those to whom she was injured in one way or another.

It wasn't the first time she lied to them and that only increased their concern.

_ What else did she hide? _

Spinel was seriously ill.

Could not let her go like this, not hiding everything behind a wall, pretending to be fine as if it didn't hurt her.

If he let her go, what would be her limit?

Spinel looked at Steven with a fallen smile, a wave of panic ran through her body, but she did her best to keep it inside.

_ Shut up, shut up, shut up. _

-Oh! Of course! - She approached keeping her smile, wrapping her arms in him in a tight fit of many turns.

-I can't leave without saying goodbye! Thank you soooo much for letting me rest! I really appreciate it, now goodbye! - She was desperate to keep him quiet, to keep her lie.

_ Please do not say anything. _

She unwrapped her arms leaving him on the ground, turning back to the diamonds.

-There! Let’s go home! I have a new game to teach you, you will like it so much! - She would manage to make one on the trip, that was not important, all she thought was to leave.

White Diamond smiled sweetly, rising from the ground to go to their ship.

Steven couldn't blame the diamonds for believing her, she looked honest.

You cannot identify the pain of another when you barely learn to accept that it exists and that it is important.

-Thanks for taking care of her Steven ... When are you coming to visit us? Do you still have ... earth stuff to do? - She waved her hand in the direction of the landscape that stretched out in front of them.

In recent months he could not visit them, according to his calls, he had issues to attend here on earth.

-It looks less destroyed, have you been taking care of it? - Yellow said.

The last time they visited it, everything looked destroyed, more chaotic than the normal disorder of nature.

Steven sighed and brought his hand to his face, frustration frightening his forehead.

-Yes, we were fixing the land since the incident with the injector- He replied vaguely, he needed to have a serious conversation with them and with Spinel, but he had to deal with the issue carefully, he wish he had talked to Spinel before they arrived.

He couldn't just stand up and tell them that she had a severe depressive condition, with impulses of anger that she was most likely discharging in herself, strong feelings of abandonment and anxiety.

Damn it, he couldn't just say that, but neither keep her lie.

She was hurting, she needed help.

-Listen, guys ... - He took his hands off his face, but before he had the opportunity to start his not well thought out speech, Yellow interrupted him.

This was another difficult part of talking to them.

-Injector? What were you doing with an injector in the ground? - She asked with a touch of obviousness.

He made her and Blue deactivate all the injectors to stop creating gems because they destroy worlds in the process and the injectors had no other function than ... well injecting stuff in the ground.

-I thought you didn't want us to use them- She raised an eyebrow, creating gems on earth was unfeasible.

Not without destroying the precious organic life that he had worked so hard to protect.

-I ... I didn't bring it, it was Spinel- He clarified without giving much importance, wanting to return to the main topic.

Maybe I could go to Homeworld with them? Talk to Spinel alone and then think about how to proceed with diamonds considering hee words?

A grin crossed his face when his eyes fell on the pink gem, more specifically, in her eyes.

He saw _ panic _ in them.

She didn't even try to hide it. Or maybe she couldn't.

It was there that Steven understood that she had not told them, she lied about _ everything _.

Not only her feelings and emotions, she didn't even have the courage to admit her first and biggest mistake, she didn't dare to tell them about the injector, about the earth, about what she did.

_ This _ is why I've wanted to talk to her before.

-Spinel? - White Diamond blinked in surprise at what he had just said.

Her sight traveled for just a small moment to her before returning to Steven out of curiosity.

What did she have to do with an injector?

-Ah… yes? - Steven let out a heavy sigh, looking for ways to amend this without harming Spinel.

She must have told the truth, but since she didn't, he didn't plan to accuse her of the destruction of the earth and of planning (and almost) managing to kill him.

He didn't have to tell the truth in such a direct way.

-The injector exploded, but we fixed the poison, everything is fine now, it's in the past, it's over.- It was a closed issue, they could leave it behind as well as all the mistakes of each gem that tried to kim him before. Including diamonds.

Spinel saw the face of diamonds change to one of concern instantly.

-What?! - The three voices sounded in unison, White brought her hands to his mouth, Blue to the gem that rested on her chest and Yellow clenched her fists tightly.

_ Oh no, no, no, no, no, no. _

They were upset, of course they were upset. 

She almost destroyed someone who cared a lot.

This was _ bad _.

Tears stung her eyes when she saw the three worried and protective expressions about Steven.

They no longer wanted her, how could they?

She ruined it, she did it again, it was her fault, it was all her fault.

The voices in her head that seem to hate her were the only thing she could hear now.

Pink left because of _you_.

_You_ weren't enough.

_You don't care._

You didn't deserve that they love you anyway, you deserve to be alone, you deserve it because you're nothing more than a despicable _ toy _.

The three diamonds filled Steven with questions, "Are you alright?" "Nothing happened?" "You weren't hurt?" "The earth is fine?"

So many questions at the same time in a messy way.

Despite the destruction they saw that day, neither he nor Spinel told them that Steven was in real danger.

_ Oh geez, if they had seen him hang his life from her hand. _

_ Crying, bleeding, holding on to her. _

If they were completely honest, the diamonds had no love for that world or the gems in it, they never felt united to organic lives, but Steven.

If anyone ever dared to hurt him they would be the first to react ... and that "someone" was no one but Spinel.

For the first time since she met them, a sob detached from Spinel's throat in front of the diamonds, stopping everyone's questions.

She never cried in front of them, she kept all her misery for herself, she contained her pain locked in the walls of her room, only allowing herself to be carried away in complete solitude.

They wanted a good friend, someone to make them laugh, to entertain them and make them happy.

A damaged gem that cried all the time could not make them happy.

No, of course not, it was a damn broken and abandoned toy.

A _ monster _.

_ Who would anyone want a monster? _

Her hands rose to her head, clinging to her hair tightly as she pulled and thick tears fell from her cheeks.

The small burning in her scalp was sometimes enough to distract her mind from the pain that accumulated in her chest, but not this time.

She would lose them, they were worried about him, they would know what she did and they would abandon her as she deserved.

She deserved to be alone, she deserved it for the damage she did, she deserved the pain, the suffering, she deserved to have waited all those years.

She deserved it for being so _ stupid _.

She was not enough for Pink, nor would it be for diamonds.

_ Little piece of trash _

Another sob escaped her lips, expelling air from her lungs and forcing her to take quick puffs to feel them filled again.

They burn, her gem hurt.

The hands in her hair began to shake, thick and countless tears kept falling down her face.

She wouldn't go back with them right? They hated her for hurting one of them.

This was her new opportunity and she ruined it, if only she had kept her feelings at bay none of this would have happened.

_ Stupid, stupid, stupid! _

Why nothing improved? Why did her feelings still hurt so much?

They ruined everything. Spinel wish Steven had rejuvenated her when she could, so she felt nothing, felt no pain, no sadness, no loneliness.

He must have done it and sent it with the diamonds, everything would have been better, she would be the gem they wanted and forget Pink.

No one would ever have to worry about her again.

She no longer wanted to remain anyone's problem.

She no longer wanted to feel that way.

She was so tired … she just wanted the world to stop.

That _ everything _ stop.

-I'm sorry ... - She managed to formulate in a choppy way, struggling to speak between the sobs and the lump in her throat.

A damn "sorry" would not fix this.

It does not compensate for the months they spent repairing the earth, the lives that were lost even if they were not human.

They did not erase what she did and whom she hurt.

The four diamonds had their eyes on her, but Steven was the first to dare to move, take a step toward her, but then, it was too much.

The looks, the pain. She didn't want him to approach, she didn't want to hear or see how the diamonds were moving away from her after this.

She couldn't live all over again.

She could not bear the rejection, _ their _ rejection.

She couldn't be alone again.

Before Steven can take another step toward her, she turned and ran, skirting the cliff, going to who knows where.

-No! Wait! Spinel! - He stopped just for a second to look at the diamonds, their faces bathed in confusion and worry.

-I'll go back with her, stay here- He made a small sign to the floor as he took a few steps back, practically starting to head in the direction where Spinel had run.

-I will explain everything, just ... stay!- He said hurriedly and without saying another word he ran after her.

He only had one goal in his head: find her.

Find her before it's too late.

He didn't want to think what would make a gem as unstable as she did after this.

She had already hurt himself before, but as far as he had seen, they were only scratches.

Perhaps it went further than that in some situation or moment that triggered strong emotions in her. 

Just like this one.

Is she able to …? 

No. She wouldn't do it, he would avoid it, he would find it.

_ He had to do it. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? I love to read them in comments! <3
> 
> Many must be wondering why if everything was fine with diamonds, Spinel did not improve.  
As I said in a comment before, you cannot be at peace anywhere if you are not at peace with yourself. You will find a way to sabotage your own happiness and eventually lose it.
> 
> In the next chapter I will specify what happened with diamonds or rather with Spinel at that time, her thoughts, how she evolved for the worse in those months and why.
> 
> About this chapter, I thought about making her stay and face the situation, but watching the movie I noticed that the first thing she did when the negative emotions came back to her was to run away to cry alone.  
In addition, it will be part of the story because of her impulse to always hide her pain from them.
> 
> I'll be updating soon!


	4. One Step

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Have you ever wanted everything to stop?  
You can run away, but you can't run away from yourself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! My native language is not English, so I apologize for possible spelling or grammar mistakes!  
Of course, I am willing to listen to suggestions! 
> 
> Chapter trigger warning: suicide attempt 
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

All Steven could think while running was finding her as fast as he could.

She couldn't go far, she had run along the edge of the cliff, she didn't take the Warp Pad, Spinel must be somewhere nearby.

Unless she use the Little Homeworld galaxy warp.

No. He couldn't let her go, he couldn't even leave her alone for a long time, much less lose her in who knows where in the universe.

Every minute that passed was an opportunity for her to move away more, more time alone, more time for the thoughts in her head to slowly decay her.

Every minute gave her head another chance to torture her until she got carried away by the self destructive voices. 

He thought of thousands of possibilities of what Spinel could do or feel at that moment.

None was good.

_ Oh stars, hurry. _

  
  
  
  


When Spinel saw the way diamonds looked at Steven, all she could think about was running, walking away as far as she could.

She run away like a coward from Steven and especially from diamonds.

The moment she did it she found the reality that she had absolutely nowhere to go, no shelter to hide or friend to go to.

She was completely alone in a world that hated and hated her in the same way.

She could return to the garden, the only place that was her home and her prison for too long, but she dared not set foot in it.

The thought of just being there, surrounded by dead earth, roots imprisoning her feet and the deafening silence made her want to run faster, as if fleeing from that instead of Steven.

On earth, she only knew the city and Little Homeworld, she considered where to go, where to hide, but the city was full of humans (whom she tried to poison in a stroke of anger) and some gems that helped rebuild or paint certain places.

No, that place was ruled out.

The second place she knew, was Little Homeworld.

Beach City was small, there were not many places to be alone and although Little Homeworld was not very different, hiding among gems was easier than among humans.

Maybe she could go there, even if it was only temporary, she couldn't face this now.

All he could see was the look of confusion, anger and worry mixed with the diamonds towards Steven, knowing that he was almost dead and there was no one else to blame but her.

She wanted to kill one of them.

No, she really couldn't.

Her vision clouded with tears and her legs kept moving, taking her wherever, as far and hidden as she could, she didn't even know why.

The city was full of gems, they allowed her to mix with each other, leaving behind the screams of her name that Steven exclaimed.

Her sight was fixed on one place, the tower that she almost destroyed with the saw.

Even if there was a better place, she didn't think so, her mind doesn't seem to reason what was happening anymore, she just focuses on disappearing.

Erase herself for a moment of the problem as if it could only disappear.

The first thing she did when she reached the top of the tower was to look frantically at it, waiting, wishing no one was near.

From there, if she peeked enough to the edge she could see the gems walking in the city, none of them had noticed her outburst, they were not following her and the top was completely empty.

She was completely alone.

Only there was she allowed to relax, lose the adrenaline rush that comes included when someone ran away, but by reassuring her fear and her despair of being found, she give way to the anxiety that forced her to run in the first place.

  
  


_ No, no, no, no, no _ .

Her legs felt weak, as if the thread of will that kept them running had fallen, dropping her to the floor on her knees like a doll.

_ Oh geez, what had she done? _

The view of the tower clouded completely when tears accumulated at the corner of her eyes, closing the eyelids tightly while a sob of pain broke from her throat.

_ It's over, you ruined it again _ .

_ Oh no, no, she really ruin it. _

Her hands clenched into fists, just like her legs, they felt oblivious to her body, fear and regret went up thought her throat, stirring her stomach.

Her hands rose shakily to her head, holding it as she leaned forward a little.

The sobs detached uncontrollably from her lips one after the other, drowning her in the air her lungs demanded, tears ran down her cheeks endlessly, her hands closed over her head, not strong enough to pull her hair if she wanted to.

Her body was shaking constantly, not only because of her sobs. The accumulated tension of all those months exploded in her chest all at once, making Spinel's gem hurt.

In the garden, moments after receiving the message from Steven to the universe, she felt exactly the same pressure on her body, the same agony that was not cured screaming or crying. 

_ It hurt the same way. _

Spinel was just as sad, desperate and frustrated as that time.

Maybe she felt that way because she lost those she loved for the second time.

Why did it hurt so much? She knew that she would eventually lose them. She knew that from the beginning.

They would get bored of Spinel or find someone better, someone to make them laugh or have new acts and leave her forgotten again.

She knew that would happen and as much as she try to be prepared … she just wasn't.

A small part of her mind never let her be ready, the part that still held an empty hope, the one that still had the capacity to love and the strong desire to be loved.

Well, the  _ need _ to be loved.

The withered part that still hoped to have a home, friends, love again.

_ Stupid, despicable piece of fool. _

Why did she still have hope? She knew it wasn't enough for anyone, she was entertainment, a court jester, someone else's chill toy.

But she was not programmed to be a toy ... she was programmed to be a friend.

Pink’s “Best friend”.

She hadn't been? What did she do wrong?

Didn't she make her laugh enough? Her acts were repetitive and boring? Her jokes got old?

Didn't she comfort her tears, endure her bad mood for not having a colony or not being treated like a diamond? Wasn't she there every time Pink came looking for her? What asked her to play or distract her?

Spinel was sure she never said no, not once, not for a game, not for an act, she always smiled from ear to ear as she came to look for her.

She didn't even move in six thousand years from where Pink had told her to stay.

Then,  _ why _ ?

More sobs filled the air, that question had tortured her for a long time, causing her to clench her jaw, close her fists, hit an object that was easy to break, but no matter how frustrated she was, she could never come up with an answer that was not against herself.

_ You weren't good enough for someone like Pink. What more is there to say? _

  
  
  
  


Steven followed Spinel's footsteps along the sand, running as fast as he could to reach her.

At times like that, he cursed her ability to stretch.

He only stopped seconds to ask the diamonds to stay where they were, he could not risk that they also look for her, as useful as it may seem, they were too big, Spinel could hide from them easily if she wanted to and the risk of breaking something in a world created for such small beings was big.

That if what damaged was a structure and not a person.

_ No _ , it was simply a bad idea.

In those small second, she moved away much more than he expected, but he could still see her as he ran along the beach and then across the field.

It was not until Spinel went to Little Homeworld that it was more difficult to distinguish her through the other gems that walked or transported construction objects.

His fear grew when he saw the direction she took, forcing his legs to go faster to reach her.

If he reached the Warp Pad and teleported alone, that was all.

She could go anywhere in space and find her would be practically impossible unless she wants to.

-Spinel! - His step stopped when he reached the Galaxy Warp, he was sure he didn't hear or see the platform activate.

-Spinel? Come on, let's talk about this! Everything will be fine! I promise, just ... come here, okay? - He exclaimed loudly turning on his feet to tour the buildings with his eyes.

The fact that she's still on earth was better than fleeing to some unknown place, but still it wasn't exactly soothing.

He still couldn't find her, Spinel was still alone and her head was still a time bomb.

  
  
  
  
  
  


She spent almost an hour of heartbreaking sobs filling the lonely air of the tower so that they begin to drop in intensity, her eyes burned and the corner of them was pink, more than usual.

Thick tears kept falling down her cheeks, but this time, only small sounds came out of her mouth.

What would she do now? Every time he thought about the immense loneliness that surrounded her, her chest would shrink and hurt.

She could no longer go home, neither Yellow nor Blue nor White would want her back.

She could no longer play games with them, they were no longer her friends.

_ She no longer had anywhere to go. _

Maybe she could flee somewhere on earth or in another world, start again in some unknown place.

Perhaps, she could learn not to need or love anyone anymore, stop being dependent on others and stop looking for friends who love her or someone who is constantly by her side, that way nobody would hurt her again.

Easier to think about it than to do it.

_ Much _ easier considering that loneliness tended to overwhelm her and fill her with such anxiety that it would make it difficult to even stand still.

Even being there, thinking that she no longer had anyone even to get distracted brought her a choking sensation, her lungs clenched and her throat closed.

Spinel needed someone, whoever it was to feel, at least, momentarily well.

She needed it to stop the waves of anxiety that pressed on her gem, some days were bearable, but others neither more complex games or longer acts were able to calm her down.

Sometimes she didn't even have the ability to concentrate on anything other than her irregular and unnecessary breathing.

For a brief moment, she gathered enough will to get up, her legs were tickling and not in the fun way, but the painful one.

Like little pickets, incredibly small needles digging into her skin every little movement she made.

It's the only thing she distinguishes, her limbs felt suddenly weak, numb and trembling.

She could have the strength to tear down a solid, firm wall with a punch, but now she didn't have enough strength even to stand up.

  
  


With a few seconds of waiting, she took three slow and short steps, enough to move to the exact place she wanted before surrendering to the weakness of her body.

Sitting on the shore, she had a perfect view of Little Homeworld, the sea that stretched a more respectable distance, the sky and the stars whose brightness was beginning to be noticeable as the sun set on the horizon.

If she turned, she had another completely different view, she could see Beach City, the coast and if she followed the trail of it, the temple of the gems and the diamond ship.

She wrapped her hands on her knees, bringing them close to the chest as her eyes went to the opposite side; the tears shone on her cheeks in the dim sunlight as it hid, the wet traces ran her makeup just like before, highlighting the three dark lines which she erase a thousand and one times in those months.

Spinel looked up at the sky, seeing some stars in the small holes that the clouds formed, some even in the distance.

For millennia she stare at them, counting them, counting the seconds, waiting for her best friend, playing the game she proposed and pretending a smile, pretending it didn't hurt, pretending it was fine, convincing herself that it was okay, that she wasn't bored, she didn't want to cry, she wasn't going crazy.

She was just waiting for her best friend.

_ Little naive and stupid. _

She would give everything (or nothing, which is what she had) to turn back time, to recover her sweet innocence, her enthusiasm, her joy and desire to make others laugh, to make them happy and feel how their laughter filled her.

But that was not possible, they left her alone to rot in a garden, left her innocence, her faithfulness and her naivety to die like plants and organic life around her.

Spinel could no longer recognize herself, the change she had was extreme, her old self would never hurt a fly, she would hug a lot of tickets smiling impressed that they could stretch that way, she would be surprised with the smallest flower and would love the simplest butterfly.

But now, she had gone to destroy a whole world without mercy, blinded by pain, numb from reality, as if everything were a dream, as if she had never moved from there.

_ She really was a monster. _

She was already ruined, too hurt and changed to be the same again.

No one would want her that way.

She had the courage to flee somewhere new?

If she did, nothing would be solved, her sadness and pain will follow her everywhere, even if she make new friends, she would ruin everything again.

_ She _ is the problem, not the rest of the world.

Spinel just wanted to rest, she wanted peace, she wanted not to have to deal with all the emotions she carried.

For months Spinel lived again everything that made her happy, she had love and affection, but she wasn't able to enjoy anything, her mind was always torturing her, even if she felt happiness for a brief second, she knew it would end.

_ Why wasn't she happy in those _ months?

_ What did she lack? _

Slowly unwrapped her hands from her legs, using them as support to recharge her weight on her legs.

The painful tickles had stopped, but the numbness was still there.

Spinel was so immersed in her thoughts that she didn't see or hear the commotion Steven had built in the city.

Peridot was in charge of monitoring the Warp Pad and Steven had asked for help to each gem that was there, asking them if they had seen her and begging them if they saw her, do what they do, do not leave her alone, talk to her, entertain her and, above all, prevent her from doing something against herself.

Making them catch her as if she were some kind of rabbit they wanted to hunt was not an option, that would only scare her more and give her another reason to keep running away.

Thousands of gems inhabited the place and it was not until an hour later to start looking for her that one of them answered positively.

She said she had seen someone as he described climbing the tower, but had not seen anything else.

-Okay, thanks! - Steven thanked in a shout for already being running in that direction, it was logical, she fled to the only place she knew and was empty, but that place was also extremely high.

_ Damn it. _

  
  


At that high, if she did not use her body as a spring and fall correctly, her gem would shatter and Spinel would finally stop feeling everything she felt.

She couldn't be happy, so wasn't this the best solution?

She leaned one of her feet in the void, the feeling of dropping and suppressing any action that could save her was damn scary, but deep down, so reassuring.

_ No more pain, no more sadness or despair. _

If she reloaded her weight on her foot she would fall, it was only one step, but one step into the void.

It would make many broken, pink and bright pieces on the floor.

_ Relief, sweet, sweet relief. _

It's all she wanted, stop feeling.

The cruelest part is that there, standing on the edge of a huge tower fantasizing about what would happen if she only took one step, she still missed Pink.

For Pink she was just a toy, but Spinel loved her and kept doing it.

She loved her and hated her.

She wanted to split her gem with a punch as much as she wanted to have been deserving of her love and taken to earth, to been include in her games and meet her new friends.

Spinel could be made to play, but she would have had potential in the rebellion.

No gem would have been able to see her coming, too elusive to catch her and too fast to hurt her.

She would have had an advantage even among the most trained soldiers, with time and learning true fighting techniques, she would be one of the most fearsome rebels.

Perhaps she would have earned a nickname such as "The Renegade Pearl" that Pearl earned.

She would have kept her secret, no being would know from her mouth that Pink was playing Rose, she would do anything, even put her life in danger just to make her happy.

Perhaps, she would have been saved even from the attack of diamonds, she would always be close to Pink, she could protect her.

S _ he would have wanted to protect her? _

Even if she didn't, she would have preferred to be corrupted, at least they were happy now, none was forgotten.

Love could not be erased so easy and that's why it hurt so much, she loved her smile, she liked made her laugh, play with her, brighten her days. She liked how happy and full she felt when she played or impressed her making her laugh.

_ She miss her. _

_ Damn it, she really missed her. _

She clenched her hands into fists so hard that they began to shake, closing her eyes when more tears kept rolling down her cheeks as that thought crossed her mind.

She hated herself for this. How could she miss someone who stabbed her in the back? How could she love someone so much to keep missing the old moments even if she knew she was just a toy?

_ Her _ toy. 

If Pink just loved her while she thought Spinel was fun.

Spinel would have continued her game forever, if the communicator had been broken, she would continue waiting.

She would wait until her gem is shattered who knows when, perhaps years later because of disuse and abandonment, but she would never have stopped playing.

And if Pink had returned, even millions of years later, Spinel would have received her with a smile and a hug, maybe crying, asking what took her lo long.

She would not be the same, Still, in a vacuum would have changed her, but will continue to be happy to see her diamond. 

_ She forgot you, but you can't forget her. _

_ Oh please, _ she didn't want more pain, just wanted peace and quiet, emptiness, the silent nothingness of dying.

She just wanted to take that step.

  
  
  


-Spinel! - As soon as the platform climbed to the top, Steven was able to see her standing with her back to him, literally inches from the void.

Instead of reacting to her name like any other person, Spinel didn't move or turn to him, it almost seemed that she hadn't heard him at all.

Steven could swear that his heart stopped beating for a few seconds, he froze completely when he saw the image in front of him.

She wouldn't survive a fall as big as that, if she just reloaded her weight on the foot she was giving to nothing, that would be all.

_ Oh stars, _ she was so close.

His breath caught in his throat, feeling rough and suddenly dry.

It took a second for his brain to react, to understand that looking at her wasn't going to get anything and that if he scared her there was no way to save her.

He practically ran towards her, wrapping his hands on her waist and taking her by surprise, pushing both of them back and back to the safety of a firm and wide ground, not the edge of a rail.

A little cry of surprise came from Spinel's lips, she was so immersed in herself that for a moment the world seemed to stop. There were no sounds, no voices, nothing alive near her.

Only her self-contempt and the void.

The next thing she felt was something around her and pulling her, surprise and fear filled her chest for a moment, but instead of falling forward, she fell back on something warm and whose arms still held her waist tightly, clinging to her like if it was afraid to let her go and run to the emptiness that was so close to jumping.

If he hadn't just arrived, maybe in a minute or ten, she would just close her eyes and say goodbye to her pain forever.

Now that someone has stopped her, jumping is what she wanted most.

Or maybe not, maybe all she wanted wasn't to die, but to stop suffering, to be happy again.

A moment after falling to the ground, the arms that surrounded her softened a little, but he still held her firmly enough not to be able to get rid of them.

Spinel tried to move her own arms, pull and take off, but the force seemed to have left her body as it did moments ago.

He could stretch, hit, pull, but she doesn't even have the strength to try.

Her arms fell inert to her sides, she was so tired that she had no strength to fight.

Not against the one who holds her or against herself.

She had given up in every way.

A sob came out of her lips, panting for more air, she hated him, whoever he was, for saving her, for not letting her go and letting her disappear, letting her die.

_ Why? Didn't they see that she was a burden? _

If she would never be happy at least could have peace, it was all she wanted.

After the years in the garden, she deserved some peace, right? Or did she really deserve nothing and that's why she is still alive?

Her vision was too cloudy with tears and her mind rambled so much between regret, pain and fear of staying that she didn't even have the sense to turn to see who he was or the perception of seeing his hands, distinguish that they were human and quickly relate that was Steven.

All she could think about was the fear she felt of having to face what had almost done.

The position of the person behind her changed, raising his hands from her waist to her chest, holding the gem that rested there as if he wanted to protect her, she could say it was a kind of hug.

Steven's heart was beating so hard that he could hear it in his own ears, his agitated breaths began to go down when the rush of adrenaline to save her also went down.

He swallow dropping his head for a brief moment in the shoulder of the pink gem, the relief of not finding thousands of fragments scattered on the ground flooded his body.

She was in his arms, her gem in his hands, she was alive, hell ... for so little.

He felt the shape of the gem that hugged tremble faintly, a sob coming out of her lips, he didn't release her.

He didn't release when the sobs became more frequent, more desperate, Spinel felt like a hand was squeezing her gem from the outside in, and blocking basic and simple functions like breathing.

It wasn't the literally physical hand that touched her gem, that hand gave warmth in a comforting way, it protected her, it wasn't hurting her.

She managed to formulate a small "why" in a broken voice, demanding to know why he had the mercy (or cruelty) to save her.

The hands that held her gently pull her, forcing her to support her back and her head on the person behind.

Her head falls on his chest, too tired to resist.

The hands of others change, now also surrounding the pink arms that fell to the sides.

-Because I found you- The voice behind her replied, her mind worked fast enough to understand that who was speaking to her was Steven.

Looking down, it was quite obvious, those were his hands and the sleeves of his jacket, but her head was too overloaded to distinguish that before.

-You were already found Spinel ... you are no longer in a garden, everything will be better. You will get better- He promised, as if he had something to hold on to say that was true.

Spinel was no longer good.

_ But now, now I'm not good at all! _

No, she wasn't.

Her thoughts, someday happy and innocent, began to twist. 

She no longer imagined hugging Pink and being her friend forever, even if she still loved her, she just couldn't forgive her.

Spinel imagined herself tearing her apart, beating her over and over again, forcing her to live forever in the garden alone, tearing apart pieces of her gem after she has gone mad.

_ Did he really still have hope with her? _

_ She had to improve in those months, but she didn't. _

After this, Spinel knew (even though she didn't understand the reason) that Steven wasn't going to leave her alone.

He would chase her because he knew she was likely to do something against herself. 

She  _ almost _ made it.

Now, he would take care of her and force her to stay, as if living what she suffered in the garden had not been cruel enough, now someone would tie her up to have to endure it.

She was nothing more than a damn burden for which perhaps, he felt responsible only because his mother was entirely to blame.

_ Why couldn't he give up on her? _ She had no more fight inside to give.

Her mind was divided in two, the small part that still had some hope, and the huge part that seemed to hate her.

Her own mind hated her, attacking her as if they were not part of a single being, as the worst enemies, constantly fighting and sinking her further while despair won.

A long silence extended as the arms of others continued to surround her, not even showing a sign of wanting to let her go, Spinel did not know if it was because of fear or genuine concern, although she doubted much of the latter.

He didn't care about her, of course not. How could he? 

She almost destroyed his entire home.

Maybe he was just too kind to let someone die in front of him and do nothing to avoid it.

Maybe he just didn't want to bear the guilt of her death as a good person he was, or he was only sorry for her.

With the passing of the minutes, her body stopped shaking, remaining completely inert.

Tears kept falling slowly, silently as the sun went down and more stars adorned the night sky.

She hated the stars, found no beauty in the night sky.

Six thousand years of looking at it took all her love from the sky, she only saw it huge, extensive, free.

And especially, unattainable.

That's why she hated it so much, all those stars, as still as she, but beautiful adorning the space, creating light and forming drawings in the sky that you have to concentrate to see.

They were lonely, but at least they felt no pain.

For years she envied them, envied the insensitivity they possessed.

Sometimes, when she was no longer feeling her own body for so long, she looked up a little and put together drawings, thought of the simplest, intricate, crazy and strange occurrences, even if they were incredibly unlikely as the desire to that a very immense explode and take with it the garden.

She was far-fetched, but at the time, she didn't understand why she didn't dislike the idea of dying, because she just ... didn't care.

Another idea to keep with the millions that she thought stopped in complete solitude.

She sniffed, looking up without moving her head, the stars were still, but the sea, the world below was constantly moving.

She understood why Pink liked this planet so much, it was beautiful, alive, like the garden, but immensely large.

Despite being beautiful, it still hurt that she couldn't know it hit because Pink didn't want her to.

-You should let me fall- Spinel's broken voice broke the silence, almost low enough to be a murmur.

He must have done it instead of clinging to the useless hope that she would improve.

For a moment, she felt the arms around her tighten in a comfortable way, completely the opposite of hurting her.

-No- He answered.

Letting her die was not a possibility, even if she really deserved it (and she didn't).

-Spinel, you went through too much ... you deserve better than this. You deserve to be happy.- After all that time alone, the fact that she retains some sanity was a miracle.

He thought she would improve, but never assumed that it would be easy to leave behind all the pain and suffering she had to endure.

Feeling what she was feeling was normal, relapsing was also normal.

What was not healthy was the way she was dealing with her emotions.

For the third time in the day, another sob filled the air, the pink hands that hung like ropes at the sides moved toward her face, covering her eyes.

They burned from crying so much, her head throbbed strongly.

Her head was determined to make her believe that he deserved nothing, that she was worthless.

In spite of everything, he believed she was worth all this trouble, that she deserved to be happy.

_ But she is just a problem _ .

She closed her eyes, letting tears slowly slide down her cheeks, letting that hug comfort her, even if it was only momentary.

Her gaze traveled to the edge of the tower, where the structure prevented the full view of the sky and the earth, the place where he had been standing just moments ago.

She felt a hollow in her chest, a deep emptiness that joined in a contradictory way to the ball of emotions that constantly hurt inside her.

She was so close to leaving everything behind. 

Her eyes closed, the little will that remained inside of her was completely undone.

She no longer had enough energy even to pretend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, sooo, what do you think? :D
> 
> In this chapter I was going to include the story from Spinel's point of view in every month that he lived at Homeworld, but then, while I was doing it, I realized that it was going to be a long chapter and I didn't want to skip any details, So I divided it in two.
> 
> I will soon publish everything that lived in those months.
> 
> About this chapter:
> 
> First of all, I wanted Spinel to go to the tower at Homeworld because a few months ago, before even thinking about doing this fic, I drew a picture about this particular scene that I wanted to include.
> 
> I leave the link to for you to visit if you want:
> 
> https://www.instagram.com/p/B3si6QLl_jM/?igshid=12ls6udu9jy91
> 
> About Spinel still loving Pink, I think I could compare it to breaking up with an ex who cheated on you.  
You hate him/her for hurting you, but you still love him/her and that's why it hurts so much.  
Spinel loves Pink, and listening to the song Let Us Adore You (Reprise), she says "You know what it meant to love her, and you remind me so much of her."  
She still loves her because love is not easily erased.


	5. Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ignoring a deep wound will not heal it, and eventually will hurt.  
Pretending that you are okay will not make it true.
> 
> Finally, I finished the chapter on what happened with Spinel in the months she spend in Homeworld with the Diamonds and why she got worse. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy it!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! my native language isn't English, so I apologize for possible spelling or grammar mistakes and I am willing to read any corrections!
> 
> The tags are there for a reason, I will put warnings in the chapters when they get dark anyway. 
> 
> Chapter trigger warning:  
Slight self harm (Definitely NO gore)  
Panic attack

As soon as Spinel left in the hand of the Diamonds to Homeworld, her journey took just a few hours.

For her, it was just minutes; it is not as if measuring time after spending six thousand years still in a garden was easy.

She could count twenty seconds in what a normal person could reach a minute or more.

She could swear she was in the garden two thousand years, maybe three instead of six.

The few hours that trip lasted were the most joyful and real in a long time.

Again she was entertaining diamonds, playing games or making jokes, she was making them laugh and they seemed fascinated by her.

She had missed making people laugh.

The annoyance of knowing that sooner or later they will know about her mistake (big mistake) was there, itching in her chest slightly, but noticeably enough to bother her.

For a few lapses of minutes, she was distracted enough to forget about the annoying sensation until her attention was completely brought to the palace the moment they arrived.

She had been there before, but only for a brief moment, she was supposed to be a surprise for Pink, so she was immediately taken to the diamonds and then waiting for her in the garden.

The place was immense, four buildings of the corresponding colors of each diamond, each with rooms and facilities to the preference of its owner, joined by a bridge and in the middle, rooms where the four met, including the main hall where Pink used to organize dances.

The place was huge enough for White to walk freely in the halls, which made it hugely big for someone like Spinel.

-Do you like it?- White's voice echoed behind her, slightly moving her hands on which she was standing.

Spinel nodded before smiling, they had to read her expression of surprise upon arrival and descent, she wasn't even there for a long time before, she was not allowed like any random gem.

In addition, Pink was not allowed to bring her or any organic being after the incident of the multicolored worms lost in the dance.

This was the home of the Diamonds, the most restricted place in Homeworld and they were welcoming her.

-I love it! - Spinel admitted delighted, happiness filled her chest for the first time in a long time.

This was going to be her home and they were her new friends, she was never going to be alone again.

The four diamonds gave a small tour of the place to the rooms that she could most like, although she would need to review everything again, there were too many rooms and corridors that connected to each other.

Spinel love Blue's pool, she couldn't wait to get in there, she loved the halls because there she could play hide and seek and once she knew them, nobody would be able to beat her; Yellow's extraction chamber was the perfect place to relax, warm and quiet.

When they passed through the main hall, Yellow said she could organize dances if she wanted to, Steven had taught them what a real party was like, with confetti and balloons, music and dancing.

It was very loud and incredibly disorganized, but the gems seemed to be having fun.

Diamonds instead ... well, it's not like having fun and dancing was simple being so huge and the gems so small.

They kept many of the details anyway, White had loved the colorful confetti.

It wasn't until they reached the pink building that Spinel's smile fell and the joy of a few moments ago completely disappeared.

On the other hand, for the diamonds, this was the place they most enthusiastically wanted to show her.

A mixture of enthusiasm, melancholy filtered into the voices of Blue and Yellow as they walked the halls, briefly naming the use that Pink used to give to each room.

Pink Pearl stayed there constantly, no longer serving White Diamond in the way that the rest of Pearls served Blue and Yellow completely voluntarily, taking off one step at a time.

With the freedom Steven had given them, she had used her to no longer serve White Diamond at all.

No matter who she had become now, White controlled her and ripped her out of a gem she loved, now that she had woken up she had realized that Pink was gone and couldn't even say goodbye.

Maybe it was just grudge or the fact that she still feared her, but she never wanted to go back to White again.

-Here is where Steven stays, but you can stay until we get a room for you- Blue Diamond spoke.

Like her new little treasure, they would fill her with gifts and fulfill her requests, but her arrival was sudden, if they wanted to give her something special like a room to her own taste, they need some time to prepare it.

-Here? - The word came out of Spinel's mouth before she could stop, her tone, with some disappointment in it and also surprise.

Four buildings, thousands of room, why they had to give her one that is in the pink wing?

She could stay anywhere else.

Literally, _ any _ other place.

Three eyes fell on her curiously, noticing the annoyance in her voice.

-Don't you like it? - Blue spoke again, the room looked quite comfortable and was no one else's than her old diamond.

Despite knowing vaguely what happened to her because Steven said so, Spinel did not show in front of them the hatred and resentment she had for Pink.

She even sing about understanding what it was to love and miss her, Blue thought she would like to stay in a room that was so personal for what her diamond was.

-It will only be temporary, we need to get you another room before Steven returns-

Steven returns. Right, he came here often.

Spinel's fists clench, the knot in her stomach for having done something they would hate return.

He would tell them? Would they still love her when they find out that she tried to kill someone they adored?

A small breath came out of her mouth, an unconscious reaction of trying to relax, stop the growing anxiety in her chest.

-Spinel? - Her name came out of Blue's lips, dragging her back to reality and moving her thoughts away.

-If you do not like it…-

-No! - Spinel exclaimed quickly, interrupting the sentence in half.

-I love it, I can stay here- Maybe, if she earned her love before Steven returns, they wouldn't leave her alone.

Maybe if they love her, they wouldn't abandon her.

_ Would they love you like this? _

A thought voice rang out behind her head, causing anxiety in her chest to grow again.

What else could she do more then try?

  
  


Despite the disgust she had in that room and everything that had to do with it, she accepted to please them.

She wouldn't cause problems on the first day of arrival, not when she had nothing more than that opportunity, in addition, they had said that it would be only temporary, which meant that the room would only be her for a short time, she could manage to not need it until she had her own.

The room was spacious, completely pink, with yellow, white and blue details decorating the walls.

It had empty bubbles floating on the ceiling and several randomly placed things on the floor of a small size, perfect for someone of her size. 

It must have been Steven's stuff.

When the diamonds left her to settle or explore, Spinel sighed heavily and the first thing she did was leave that room.

She didn't need to be there at that time, she could go to know the palace, the gems that lived there and maybe, eventually, the surroundings and all Homeworld.

She hardly knew that popular place, but she wanted to.

Spinel toured all the buildings, going room by room exploring what they had to know, some of them were closed, they must be private or so he assumed.

Perhaps the personal quarters of each diamond.

As she walked, a smile was planted on her face, emotion and tranquility filled her for a moment.

This time, she could really say that she was happy to meet them, happy to be here.

Happy to have already been found.

_________________ 

  
  


The days after her arrival, Spinel avoided entering that room at all costs, she had no human need to sleep or rest, so those days were exclusively out of that place, she met the Pearls, played with them, performed acts for the diamonds

She wanted to keep playing all the time, the diamonds seemed incredibly excited about her, they took turns talking and she made jokes or acts.

The most curious of all, was Yellow Diamond.

For all the jokes she could tell her and that she loved, curiously she wasn't looking for the next one, or asking for an act or something she enjoys like White or Blue.

Spinel wanted to entertain her as much as the other diamonds, to please her in whatever she asked, but she didn't seem to ask for anything more than her company.

Sometimes that made her anxious, unsure of what she expected of her.

It was easier to please someone when you know exactly what they expected from you and all Spinel wanted was to make her happy.

She wanted Yellow to love her, she wanted to be her friend, but she seemed to have problems on how to achieve that.

The first days were almost a routine jumping from games to games, acts and fun.

She behaved with them just as she did with Pink millennia ago, wishing, someday longing to return to the old sensation she used to have when she saw her, only this time, make sure she wouldn't get hurt.

It was a contradictory emotion, she wanted to feel like in the past, she missed the happiness that came with the ignorance of being nothing more than a toy, but at the same time, she completely refused to trust someone as much as she trust in the past. 

Whatever happens, she would never risk suffering the same pain twice. No one would break her so much again.

It wasn't until the fourth day of arrival at Homeworld, that she need to stop her games practically forced to her own disgust.

There was something in her physical form that just...was not right and she could not identify what it was.

A small physical discomfort in the back of her head, a nuisance that was gradually growing.

Luckily for her, that day Blue Diamond had invited her to the pool for the first time.

Of course she accepted the invitation immediately and enthusiastically, almost all the time it seemed to be in the hands of a diamond or all three.

She was never alone.

She liked there, she liked it a lot, they were all so kind and sweet to her.

Despite not wanting to get attached, being afraid to do so, she couldn't help but want that emotion and happiness to last forever.

Upon arriving at the blue facilities, she turned her legs into springs to jump down the huge stairs at the entrance, noticing a chant as soon as she crossed the door, a soft humming followed by other louder voices on par, together they create a soft and incredibly harmonious melody. 

Spinel could recognize Blue Diamond's voice in the background mixed with other voices that she couldn't identify at all.

It wasn't until she came up that she saw Blue brushing her long hair while three little Pearls keep her company.

All three of them were sitting on her legs in the long blue dress, Blue didn't seem to care in the least to have them resting on her.

  
  


Blue Pearl was completely submerged in the water, only one of her arms held on to the dress delicately, just enough to keep her chest and face out of the water effortlessly.

Near her, Yellow Pearl was sitting dipping nothing but her legs as she moved them rhythmically creating small waves in the water, for her wet clothes, she had entered as Blue recently.

Pink Pearl was on the opposite side of them, in front of Blue Diamond, half lying on her legs with her body submerged underwater.

As Spinel took more steps near them, she could tell more that the sweet voices that adorned the air were those of Blue Diamond, Pink Pearl, occasionally the other two Pearls and someone else, but she was too far away to know that it was the brush Blue used to comb her hair.

She took a few steps near the pool, calling everyone's attention and finally, Blue Diamond's.

-Spinel! - She smiled with emotion and sweetness mixed in her voice.

-You are here, come have fun with us- Invited hoping that the water is to her liking.

Since those Pearls were allowed to touch the water and in fact enter it for fun, they began to go very often.

-Do you know how to swim? - The beautiful and melodic voice rang again, echoing on the walls as Spinel moved closer to the pool.

-I can show you if you want- The voice of Blue Pearl was so soft and low that she could barely hear her kind proposal.

-It's not that difficult- Yellow Pearl said. It was scary to enter for the first time in a long time to something as warm, comforting and deep as that place could become, but not dangerous, not for them at least.

The worst thing that could happen was to sink to the bottom without knowing how to return and having to wait for someone to notice to help her out.

Spinel didn't even run that risk, she could easily stretch to the surface.

-Yes, I know how- Spinel replied with a small sideways smile, doubting a little.

There was a pond in the garden, it wasn't too deep, but it was enough for Pink and her to swim there, even do competitions or splashing games.

A small pang of purely emotional pain touched her gem for a brief moment, similar to the annoyance she felt when she learned that sooner or later they would find out about her mistake and most likely no longer wanted her.

She shook her head barely, refusing to think about that now.

In that and in the little stab he felt in her head as she shook her.

That little pain that she noticed earlier that day, was beginning to be a little stronger.

Spinel decided to ignore it completely, jumping up, transforming her legs into springs and jumping straight into the middle of the water, splashing everyone with it before going to the surface.

The heat spread rapidly through her body, easing the pain in her head by the urge to bounce and fall.

For some reason, she expected cold water, like that of the pond, but it was warm in a relaxing, incredibly comfortable way.

She didn't know how much she missed the water and the feeling of it until she was inside.

She had spent so much time standing in the same place filled with dirt and dust, that she forgot how comforting it was to swim.

The bubbles tickled, the heat was like a warm and comforting hug, any sound outside the water stopped and she allowed herself to take a moment to stay down, just appreciating how light her body felt while sinking slowly and gradually.

It was so relaxing and calm that she looked up, the bubbles rose quickly to the surface and she could appreciate the light mixed with the water waves, she could feel the choked sound of the movements of others.

It was like a big, wet and warm hug.

It was not until a blue hand positioned itself beneath her that gently raised her back to the surface.

The weight of the water as they climbed prompted her to lie on that hand closing her eyes for the addictive sensation.

It was not until the fresh air hit her face and all the sounds came back that she opened them again with a small chuckle.

She was home. She _ finally _ felt at home.

She had friends again, a place to which she belonged and they already adored her with only days there.

-Are you okay? - Blue Diamond asked holding her in her hand, there was no concern in her tone for the little giggle that came out of Spinel's lips as she left.

-Geez ... yes, yes I am- She breathed deeply filling her chest with air, she was finally free of her prison.

It almost seemed like a dream, as if she had fallen asleep while standing and had the worst and the best of dreams simultaneously.

If this really was a dream, then she didn't want to wake up.

Spinel soon took another leap by diving again, swimming to the bottom and returning to the surface many times.

She swam so much that she didn't realize when the water washed her face completely, removing the rest of the makeup that was running down her cheeks.

As time went by, she played enough water games to decide that she preferred to float quietly on the surface for a while, closing her eyes and only listening to the sound of someone else's muffled splash in the water.

She would have played a lot more, but that pain in her head that began as a simple nuisance began to become a real headache, small spaced, but continuous pangs. They increase every time she jumps or makes a sudden movement, so floating was a necessary little break.

Suddenly, she heard a close murmur, but not loud enough to open her eyes or pay attention.

The movement of water on its periphery and a soft and delicate surface cradling her entire body.

-Huh? - She opened her eyes in surprise, turning her head a little to see what was holding her, feeling the little pain again by an extremely simple movement.

Her body was lying comfortably in the palm of Blue Diamond, she drew Spinel carefully towards herself, watching her curious.

-Is everything okay? - Asked raising her other hand and stroking Spinel's cheek with the pad of her finger.

-Yes, just ... the water is comfortable- Spinel smiled, unaware that the few minutes she thought it would take to float quiet had actually been more than an hour.

-Oh- Blue smiled with understanding.

Despite the sadness that the place had housed since Pink died, for millennia it remained her favorite place to rest.

-Water is the best place to rest, don't you think?- Warm and cozy.

-But she need to go out, we already spent the whole day here- And despite having a huge amount of free time lately, Homeworld still didn't take care of itself, the colonies either, there were still many gems injected years ago that were going to emerge soon, they had make sure everything is fine with them since they would be practically the last to exist absorbing nutrients from the soil and draining life on a planet.

Despite not having the same authority they used to have, the place was too big and full of gems to be handled randomly.

-Would you like to stay with the Pearls? - She proposed since Spinel looked like she enjoyed the place, she didn't have to leave if she didn't want to.

-Oh- Spinel understood giving her a smile.

-No, it's all right, I should go play with Yellow Diamond for a little while- Homeworld days went by much faster than she expected, even if they were longer days than those on earth, for her perception they were extremely short.

She had spent most of the day with Blue, and before that, she was entertaining White.

She seemed extremely enthusiastic about her jokes and actions, constantly asking for one more, laughing and enjoying her thanks. Now it was Yellow's turn.

-Okay, little one- Blue extended her hand towards the edge of the pool, allowing her to walk comfortably to the floor of the pool.

-Thanks for inviting me, it was a lot of fun! - Spinel exclaimed with sincerity and enthusiasm; she would definitely accept every invitation to the pool they want to give her, she would have enjoyed it even more if it wasn't for that stupid pain.

-You can come here when you want little girl- Blue smiled affectionately, excited about the idea of having someone like her hanging around the palace again, someone so Energetic and cheerful.

It reminded her a lot of Pink.

Spinel shook her head hard from side to side to remove the water from her hair, but she regretted it instantly.

Acute pain again, increasing by sudden movement.

She let out a small sigh and put a smile ignoring that pain, kindly saying goodbye to go with Yellow Diamond.

She would definitely return to that pool sooner or later.

__________ 

  
  


One of the favorite things about the Yellow building was the decoration on the walls.

Each building was decorated differently, with the respective colors of each diamond and each one caught her attention.

She used to have many gems on the walls, just like Blue and White, but since Steven arrived they were completely removed.

There was no particular reason why she liked to walk them so much with her eyes, trace with her eyes the path of the structure, the doors, the sounds, the details.

She was practically lost in them while her feet automatically carried her around the place until she reached Yellow Diamond.

She was sitting in a chair, apparently seeing something on a screen, her face denoted boredom, but at first glance she had no interest in leaving the task she was doing.

Spinel stretched out to jump to the armrest, her head throbbed and sent a dizziness through her body upon landing, but her goal was met, she gave the other diamond a pleasant surprise.

Apparently, the task in which she was so immersed and at the same time so boring, was to continue dismantling systems of several colonies, she had too many and despite having taken care of the majority, still had work to do.

Assuming she was busy, Spinel just made a few jokes, asked about what she was doing and just ... forming a conversation.

Doing an act or something that demands too much attention was out of the question, she didn't want to risk being a nuisance again.

_ That's what she was, right? _

For Pink, what she _ always _ was.

Another sharp pang in her head, this time, a small gasp came from her lips and her hand traveled to her head.

It was beginning to be too much to ignore.

-Spinel? - Yellow Diamond asked, watching the sudden reaction of the little gem.

-Huh? - Spinel opened one of her eyes, removing her hands while the sensation was reduced to a dull ache, annoying, but not as unbearable as a moment ago.

-Are you okay? - It's the same as Spinel wondered.

Naturally, she had never had a headache before unless she had received a blow in that place or cried until every tear in her wasted.

  
  


She hadn't cried in the last few days and she hadn't fallen headlong either.

Another stab went through her, forgetting every thought she could have at that moment and stopping her from speaking.

She closed her eyes for a brief moment and wrinkled her nose, standing still while she just waited for the pain to go down.

-Spinel, is something wrong with you? - Yellow's voice again.

Spinel's eyes were closed, but she could distinguish a movement on her periphery and then, a cloth surface touching her chin delicately.

-I ... I don't know- She admitted.

The gems had no headache for no apparent reason and she was sure that despite having had a fight less than a week ago, she did not receive a blow that could cause pain days later.

It was too elastic to be damaged so easy.

-Your head hurts? - The pad of her finger slid in such a gentle movement that Spinel could describe it as a caress.

Yellow did nothing but read her body language, just moments ago her hands were taking her head and her hair tightly while complaining in silence. Virtually just a hiss.

Her head ached for several hours, but now it was even worse to be able to ignore it and keep playing.

-You said you were six thousand years in the garden, were you alone? - The finger moved away from her face, Yellow brought her hand to her own chin while mentally analyzing what was happening to Spinel, it isn't as if this were normal.

Somehow, hearing about the garden, about the past that Spinel wanted so much to forget made her pain go to the background completely freezing for a second.

She wanted to leave all that behind, not to think about what she lived and leave the pain buried and forgotten like that abandoned planet.

She hated talking about it, she hated the simple memory of that place.

-Yes- She answered without specifying anything else, begging for Yellow didn't ask about anything else.

If she didn't like to talk about it, much less would she stand it now that she felt her head was going to explode at any moment.

-Oh- A yellow hand extended towards her as an invitation to climb, one that she accepted. 

-You have been playing all these days after too much time in the nothing, Spinel, you must be overstimulated- After millennia of nothing, without different sounds, with muted colors, even without moving, come here (and to destroy the earth for the ignorance of Yellow) and suddenly see so many colors again, gems, people, return to a different routine, but just as energetic of blow they must have be too much for her.

-What is that? - Spinel asked confused, another sharp pain pierced her head, making her let out a small painful groan.

-Your attention should go to important things, not to absolutely every detail. It's about thinking all too much - For millennia her body and her mind adapted to absolute nothingness, perhaps paying attention to a small leaf that moved in front of her in wind, now, they had to adapt to receiving stimuli of all kinds again.

Her attention must have been going to absolutely everything, every insignificant detail, every thing that should normally be ignored or taken to the background, nothing leaked. Everything different from nothing was important.

Spinel thought about that, noting that since she arrived, everything mattered.

The warmth of the water, each bubble that ran through it, the sound under the water, the insignificant details of the walls, the fabric of Yellow's gloves, the movement of the alien's hand with her above.

She didn't usually pay so much attention to details before.

Another stab in her head and she decided to stop thinking at all.

She closed her eyes sitting on Yellow's palm, resting her head on her slightly closed fingers.

She felt that the surface where she was lying moved and small tremors were present on the floor, steps.

-Where are we going? - Spinel asked opening her eyes to look at her, she wanted to continue playing, especially discovering what Yellow liked most, the jokes seemed to do the trick, but she never asked for more, it was not like Blue and definitely not like White.

Every chance with her was an opportunity to find out what she liked and she was ruining one.

-To rest, you need it- A friendly smile came from her lips.

She didn't look upset or disappointed that Spinel wasn't going to play with her or entertain her, just ... understanding.

That smile managed to relax her, it gave her the feeling that it didn't matter if she wanted to rest for a moment.

Yellow take her to Pink's room, which now, temporarily, would be her.

The next few hours, Spinel didn't dare to move from the fluffy surface she was on. Yellow turned off the light in the room as soon as she entered, told her that they would not disturb her and that if she needed them, she could call them.

For a gem that was cold and distant at first sight, she behaved very kindly to her.

Spinel was looking to entertain her and make her happy, but Yellow saw her in a different way.

Yellow wanted Spinel to be her friend, a _ real _ friend.

Not just a court jester or a toy.

Ironically, Spinel had been created to be a best friend, but she didn't understand her behavior because she wasn't used to being treated as such.

For her, the concept of best friend and toy was mixed, it was difficult to tell the difference when all your life you were treated like a toy under the nickname of a friend.

Yellow left her in complete silence and with only the light of small details of colors on the walls.

They reminded her of the stars, so they were supposed to look.

Her headache worsened as the hours went by, she could assure that it was the worst she ever had in her life.

The stabs felt like sharp stabs, one after the other, sharp and strong, making her cry when they didn't stop for a long period of time.

She couldn't tell when or how she had got it through that, but she managed to sleep for a few hours until the sound of the door opening woke her up.

The pain was still there, but much softer, more like a common headache.

-Spinel? Dear, are you feeling well? - White was the first of the three to speak in a soft, low voice. Yellow must have told her what was happening.

Spinel had no idea how long she had been asleep, enough to feel a little better.

Slowly she sat on that bed to see them, rubbing her eyes with the back of her hand.

-Yes, I think so- She admitted.

Her discomfort was not as horrible and painful as the endless hours before, but it was still present.

-You ant to play a game? - She asked noticing that maybe they were looking for her, they were bored and she had to entertain them.

-I can go, I'm fine- She hurried to say without wanting to disappoint anyone.

She couldn't let that happen, they can't get bored of it, not again.

-No, you better keep resting for a little while, we just wanted to know how you are- Yellow stopped her attempt to continue before Spinel even dared to set foot off the bed.

It had been almost a day, but she only managed to sleep for a few hours, not enough to completely take away her discomfort.

-How much did I sleep? What did I miss? - She turned to see the huge window that overlooked the outside, when she fell asleep it was night, now he could see clearer lights seeping through the velvety curtains, but she wasn't sure if it was dawning or getting dark again.

It is not as if the gems had a biological sleeping schedule, just as it could be a few hours, it could be a full week.

-Only a few hours, we regret waking you up, we just wanted to know how you were- Blue smiled with love.

To Spinel's surprise, none looked disappointed with her, just…worried.

-Oh! - White blinked remembering another news for her, but reminding herself that she must keep her voice low for now.

-Steven called and asked for you, he wanted to know how you are adapting here-

-We told him that you are well, that everything is going great- Just a few days at Homeworld, but she had gotten along with everyone, as far as they knew, Spinel had no problem besides the passing pain of her head.

But Spinel stopped listening to her as soon as she said the phrase "Steven called."

A gasp of surprise came from her lips when a wave of fear spread through her gem.

-Will he come? - The question came out of her mouth faster than she could contain or hide it.

Of course he will come, he will do it sooner or later, this is part of his home now.

But he couldn't, he shouldn't come.

Because of the concern that diamonds expressed towards her, the simple fact that they still want her close meant that Steven had not told them anything about what happened on earth.

And that had to stay that way.

He could not come because doing so meant talking with diamonds, talking about what he has done in recent days, talking about her.

She was completely sure that when they knew about her mistake, they would never love her again.

-Sadly, no- White replied with a small sigh of disappointment and an almost childish expression.

-It won't come in a while, he said he has many things to fix on earth.-

Of course. The injector He would not come to see them to fix the disaster she caused.

Somewhat selfishly, knowing that a wave of relief would not come through her body and only a small stab of guilt hiding in her gem.

She caused the disaster, but that gave her more time in peace, at least a little time in which she could join her new friends.

_ For what? You will lose them anyway. _

She will eventually lose them and the more time passes, the more she would miss them later.

Spinel swallow the lump that formed in her throat, maybe and just maybe, they would want her despite everything.

She closed her eyes with a sigh, guilt and sadness invaded her, but she would wait.

She was already at home, the pain would eventually go away, the diamonds would not leave her. She would forget everything and be happy again.

Maybe if I repeated it enough it would be true.

But it never happened.

The days went by becoming weeks, with them, more games, more talks, more fun, but the pain in her heart was still there, clinging to it and completely refusing to leave.

It wasn't even diminishing a little, it wasn't leaving gradually, it was doing the opposite.

For every day that passed, her anxiety grew and grew more and more.

Maybe a joke that made them laugh instead of bursting out loud, a game that made them lose, or a simple "I'm busy now, can you go play with someone else?" it was kind, because of they expression or the tone of voice when they gently rejected her, she could say that they were not doing it because they were upset with her, they were only small details; but she was thinking about them all day, counting how many they had been and trying to predict if they were starting to get bored of her.

It only made the way she felt worse.

She installed doubts in her head, one after the other, repeating again and again like a grated disc.

Are you bored of me? They don't love me anymore? Are you going to abandon me?

_ Will you leave me alone? _

Every time she thought about that possibility, her breathing caught in her throat and forced herself to stop, to repeat herself that it wouldn't happen.

But it had happened once before and the insecurity was eating her out of fear that it would happen again.

What assured her that no one else even after millennia would get bored of her?

What assured her that they would still love her?

She thought Pink loved her, she didn't see the signs that instead of loving her, she was just enduring her for having nothing better to do.

Now Spinel was determined to please them, she was doing everything they asked for, even the smallest and insignificant game, even if she had played it three times in a row, she would do it again if that made them happy.

She tried her best to make them happy, but the doubt was still there.

_ And if you aren't enough? _

  
  


She entered the room she had been given the first day to pause the huge smile a and the enthusiasm she showed outside those four walls.

She was upset with Pink and with herself.

When would the pain go away? She didn't have everything she wanted? A home, a family, she wasn't alone, but she could not be happy and she didn't understand why.

_ Why _?

Her hands closed over her head, catching strands of hair as she walked from side to side in frustration.

Everything was fine, everything was in its place, but still she wasn't happy, she couldn't be, while the days passed it was even more difficult to enjoy the joyful moments.

Even when the fear of being abandoned burned deep inside of her, she put on a smile and kept entertaining them.

At first it worked, it really did, the games managed to distract her and make her at least for a moment forget her worry, but then the feeling became stronger, more overwhelming and difficult to deal with.

She couldn't play any game without the constant ball of emotions in her chest, without the weight of thinking that sooner or later, Steven would come, they would find out and throw her away again.

There, on those walls that once belonged to Pink Diamond, only there she was allowed to let out the emotions that stifled her so much.

Only there she choked out screams of frustration on her lips, pressing her hands more strongly into her hair. Sometimes, she even plucked small locks that she could easily regenerate.

The games no longer served to distract her from the mixture of anxiety and self-contempt she felt burning in her gem, the burning in her scalp managed to do so for a while, but now that was not enough.

_ And then what was it? _

Didn't she have everything she needed? So why the hell couldn't she stop feeling pain?

Why couldn't she improve?

_ What was the missing piece? _

As much as she can think about the matter, she never found an answer.

She thought that when she came Homeworld she could leave everything behind, she would be happy, but tears continued to flood her eyes out of sadness and fatigue.

Can she come back from this? Can she put the pieces back where they belong?

Or is she too far gone?

______________ 

It wasn't until a day that diamonds invited her to a dismantled colony of Yellow Diamond, that she discovered what was able to distract her anxiety and keep her calm.

The planet they visited was organic, with a large kindergarten that despite not being in operation, there were already injected gems for several years, so there was nothing left but to wait for them to emerge.

Some gem structures had been built, but since Steven's arrival, everything that could damage organic life in any colony was stopped.

The colony had been stopped early, did not have the chance to advance too much, so for the most part, that planet was full of animals, plants and organic life. That was the reason why diamonds chose that planet to carry her.

It wasn't dangerous, not at least the place they visited.

It was like a garden, but without neat paths or plants, all were placed at random and not all had beautiful colorful flowers.

It looked like the earth, wild, messy and beautiful at the same time.

Despite the typical aroma of moisture and earth, despite the harmonious disorder of nature, the three diamonds and Pearls went with her to keep her company.

Where the warp pad was installed, there were no wild animals, only small ones and some loud ones, trees, shrubs, rose bushes.

That was the reason why they allowed her to visit it whenever she wanted, they could go out all together or she could come to have fun with the Pearls or just to walk or play on her own.

It must have been a great, fun, cheerful outing, it was for diamonds, Spinel did everything to make it, but it wasn't for her.

The knot of negative emotions inside her was forcing her to breathe deeply, slowly, trying to pass through the sensation and keep smiling.

The truth was that she didn't want to play anymore.

She loved games, but that ball of emotions began to weigh, made her want to stop, smile tired.

No matter what game they were playing, it was no longer fun.

She was beginning to feel that nothing excited her as before and that made her desperate.

She felt stuck, she was no longer in the Garden, but she still felt as stifled as if she were still in it.

So trapped, alone, unable to move, to change what was happening around her, to leave.

_ She wasn't able to escape. _

And now, she felt that the prison was still inside her.

Her breathing became faster and stronger, and Spinel didn't notice when, she heard the voices of diamonds speak among themselves, but she was to lost in what she thought to distinguish what they said.

She was walking by inertia behind them, felt the waves of anxiety grow in her chest again, for the thousandth time since she arrived.

She was sick of it, she needed to stop, whatever makes it _ stop _.

Her hands rose to her arms, holding them and beginning to cling to them tightly as she thought. There must be something to help, she couldn't feel this way forever.

She could not endure this forever, but neither could run away from herself.

She was so distracted from the road, from the outside world that she didn't notice how close she was from a rose bush to the side of where she was walking.

Then, a small sharp object stuck in her arm making a darker pink line on her skin.

A small gasp of surprise came from her lips as she felt the slight stinging, bringing her back to the real world.

She barely touched that plant, its shape was designed to withstand many more things, it was nothing more than a small and insignificant scratch, but somehow, it felt good.

The slight physical pain distracted her for a second of everything that was going on in her head, her anxiety suddenly stopped, everything stopped to pay attention to the nervous signal of danger.

It gave her body a momentary sense of control, tranquility, pleasure, stress release.

Without knowing very well why, instead of hating that plant, she want to stumble upon another plant that has thorns.

At first, that was it. Thorns

  
  


Then, it became almost a custom.

When she felt anxiety or anguish, she remembered the relief, even small that that scratch caused her, leading her to pinch her skin a little, pull a strand of her hair, tear some of it.

It was an addictive spiral.

The more anxiety or pain she felt, the more frequently she hurt herself, gradually, she was leveling up.

Small bites on your hands or wrists, scratches when your fist clenched too tightly on your arm, intentionally creating pink lines where your fingers passed.

On some occasions, diamonds asked about recent marks on their skin, small lines, bruises or barely visible marks.

Spinel was careful, hiding it.

The first time, she said that she had been running in the organic world and that she tripped down to a rosebush creating several scratches on her arms.

Then, that the vast majority of the plants had slightly sharp spines or branches, which was occasionally damaged by walking.

Then, she justified some bruises by saying that she had bounced around the room and unintentionally her himself with an object nearby when in fact, her body was extremely resistant to shocks.

Falls to the pool, stumbles, "games" that in some way or another created small marks on her skin.

Each time, every moment that passed, a little deeper than the previous one, one more scratch, one strand of hair less, one more bruise or one more bite.

The last ones, she only did them in her hands, there was no possible way to justify a bite with a game and it was the only place she could easily hide from view by her gloves.

It became a method of defense using it every time she needed to reduce the emotional excess, but it was also a soothing impulse.

That ... was really good.

_ Especially _ when someone talked about Pink.

Diamonds adored her, loved her and almost idolized her. More than once she encountered comments towards Pink.

At that time Spinel felt no anxiety, or guilt, or anguish.

She felt anger, frustration, rage that made her clench her fists and jaw and endure the urge to shout at them that Pink wasn't the beautiful gem they loved.

The love they had for that Pink Diamond was so suffocating at times.

"Pink usted to do this and this" "She was like that and that"

And even more if they compared her to Pink.

"You are as adorable as she was"; "Pink used to play the same game" "You're just like her"

_ No, she was not. _

Spinel would never have abandoned a friend, she would never harm someone the way Pink hurt her.

Talking about Pink bothered her, but comparing her to her managed to drive her crazy and test the little self-control she had.

It was practically pushing her to the edge of herself, fighting not to fall and ruin everything.

In those moments, she felt the urge to hit them, to shout at them all that Pink had done and highlight the pain that had made them happen to them as well.

But she couldn't, that would make them angry.

Of course they would, they weren't going to let her insult someone they still adore, even if it was just a memory now.

Slowly, Spinel was falling into an invisible spiral that was taking a small piece of it each time, emptying her inside even more than the garden had left her.

  
  


Each day that passed, she bottled more negative emotions within her, but instead of leaving, they returned with increasing force.

They were slowly choking her.

Spinel didn't need to sleep to recover energy, her gem produced everything she needed, but every time she felt more tired, since large and complex games until the most small and short ones, she end up leaving to her room.

Her body moved slowly, distracted by fatigue, her normally good reflexes were slow.

More than once she had to return to her room to rest and as time passed, her visits there were more frequent.

She did not like to sleep, not only believed that it was a waste of time, but also allowed her to dream and no matter how many times she tried, she always ended up dreaming of the garden.

Standing, motionless of his own accord, but still ... trapped.

That was the reason she woke up at two, maybe three hours of sleep each time she tried and somehow, that seemed to exhaust her more.

Her body ached every time she woke up, as if she had been doing too much physical exercise instead of sleeping. No matter how much she tried to rest, her mind didn't stop, she was exhausted.

During the day or game times, the anguish and despair of getting worse each time haunted her excessively, even bothering her even when she wanted to play logic games or puzzles.

Thinking was getting heavier and heavier.

Despite of not wanting to play, her only motivation was to make the three diamonds happy, something that she loved before as fun was, now she found it almost impossible.

Nothing was fun, she wasn't able to enjoy anything at all.

_ Stars _, she could not endure this forever.

_______________ 

Luckily, it was a quiet day.

  
  


Today, diamonds would meet in the ballroom after a break in Blue's pool to discuss what to do with the colonies or the new gems that emerge.

Lately, they had to do that a lot.

Now the gems were free to choose what to do, but not all agreed to stop destroying worlds and to lose the status they used to have, so despite not having authority as before, someone had to maintain the order of the empire. 

Spinel did not play too much in those meetings, they were too busy on important matters to play with, so she just made occasional jokes or sometimes, she simply used that time to stay in her room.

She would have taken the last option if it weren't because she did it four times in the last week and her games, despite her greatest efforts, were increasingly slow and she less agile in them.

She was tired, the dark circles and bags stood out under her eyes both for crying and for the fatigue that accumulated day after day, a little more each time.

Despite crying often, she was always careful to put on the biggest smile and act in the strongest way she could, but pretending was terribly exhausting.

Her pace was slow, tired, she arrived at the place later that the Diamonds, climbed the stairs and sat on them, paying little or no attention to the talk of others.

She made an occasional joke, opined about some gems, nothing really relevant, or so it was at the beginning until something caught her attention practically instantaneously.

-What? - She asked turning to Blue, the smile that had framed on her face since she arrived (and for some time) inevitably fell.

-Steven will come in a few days, he said he finally has some time- Blue exclaimed with a radiant smile, like the rest of the diamonds, happy to see him again.

-Oh ... - Spinel swallowed, having trouble keeping his own composure.

-That ... that's ... - Putting on a smile has never been as difficult as now.

-That's great! - She exclaimed breathing agitatedly, but silently, doing her best to be discreet.

A wave of fear and anxiety went through her, much stronger, bigger than other times.

Suddenly, the need to leave, to have space, was simply too much.

-Oh! I am sure we will enjoy it, we can pl… -

-I need to go to my room- Spinel exclaimed suddenly, interrupting without pretending to White.

She simply needed it, this time she could feel the anguish accumulating in her chest, the fear was spreading making it practically impossible to remain still and the tears stung in her eyes, threatening to leave at any moment.

She felt like he lost control over the situation and her own emotions and needed to recover it before they noticed it.

Before exploding in front of them.

Shw don't even wait for an answer or make an excuse, just go down and hurried to the door.

-Oh ... - Blue's little disappointed tone sent another wave of guilt as her feet kept moving away, leading her to a safe place where she could release some tension.

She wasn't good enough for them, she was hurting them, you're just a damn broken toy.

-Okay then, we'll see you later ... Be careful! - The last warning, hurried out of her lips, as a quick reminder that It crossed her mind.

Spinel knew that the warning had been given for the "games" in which she blamed her clumsiness for the marks she could not hide.

Oh, but she needed those "games" now.

She hugged her arms and her nails dug into her skin tightly, creating many deep pink lines as her skin opened where her nails passed, unable to stop herself and wait to reach the room.

She felt that if it she let go, she would break, she would lose control of everything.

She didn't answer Blue Diamond, an action that would bring her even more guilt later when she can think cold again.

When the door closed behind her, a scream drowned in her throat, her hands clenched even more in her arms, opening superficially deep wounds.

What would she do when he told them the truth?

When they know she was a monster that had almost destroyed a diamond?

The tears that endured before leaving sight, ran down her cheeks, she regretted having done it, but it was too late.

She could not fix her mistake, despite not having accomplished her goal (luckily) it is not as if it had been her choice.

She carried the injector, left all the poison on the ground and released Steven in the void, was only saved because he could conveniently discover his missing piece in time and also his power was able to heal the earth.

Her legs were bent by dropping her to the ground, spreading her limbs like ropes everywhere.

She rested her head on the wall behind her, the tears ran nonstop, spreading the makeup across her face, marking the passage of her tears through her skin.

It wasn't enough, scratches, screams, sobs.

Nothing was enough.

She would lose them in a short time.

What she was so afraid of would be fulfilled now.

Spinel was very upset with Steven for returning after months.

She knew she was being unfair, it was she who invaded her home and went to destroy everything, not him.

She had no right to claim anything, Steven had even bothered to offer her a new place, new friends.

But now that he came after all this time, the diamonds would ask him about the "issues" he had to fix and find out everything.

She felt anger at him for coming to ruin her "happiness" after such a long time and at the same time she was frustrated because that is just what she had done to him.

She had a great urge to hit him, to keep him from coming back and ruining everything.

_ She was so pathetic. _

Even knowing it wasn't the right thing, she wanted to do it, she wanted to hurt him again.

Her legs approached her chest, returning to its original form while her hands clung to them tightly.

Frustration, tiredness, anger and sadness sprang from her gem.

Her breath caught in her throat in every sob, her lungs burned for more air, clinging to her legs tightly.

Her gem hurt, _ everything _ hurt.

She shouldn't have come here, she shouldn't have spent so much time near them.

-Stupid! - She hit her fist hard on the floor, the blow rumbled on the walls echoing in the room, shaking all material (and living) objects in it.

She was so dumb. She knew this would happen and still she stayed, she must have left before she had enough appreciation to miss them.

A sob came shaking from her lips, her fist smashed back into the wall and again, and again, and again.

She hit the wall until the back of her hand becomes numb, feeling only a small painful tingle in place.

Of all the months she spent at Homeworld, of all the ups and downs she had, this was one of the worst.

She plunged her head into her legs, welcoming herself into her arms while uncontrollable sobs shook her body.

The palms of her hands clung to her head, holding tightly.

_ What she was going to do? _

She could not be alone again. _ Please _, everything except that.

She preferred to die than to be abandoned again.

She knew that day would come, she knew it from day one, she knew she shouldn't get attached to them, but as a stupid, she did it anyway and didn't know at when.

Crying, sobs and screams spread for the next few hours.

She was supposed to be home, but she felt lost again.

_________________ 

To the next day, Spinel walk slowly, fighting at every step to stand up and to follow the path correctly without falling or stumbling over something.

She was exhausted, physically and mentally.

Her head throbbed painfully, her eyes practically struggling to stay open.

If she closed them just for a few seconds, small tears formed from the burning in them.

Her arms hung at her sides like ropes instead of limbs.

All her body yelled at her to go to rest, but she couldn't.

Even if she really wanted to do it, nothing would change, she would wake up the same or worse than now.

She climbed into Yellow's seat, the closest she had, making an extra effort to stretch her hands and reach, avoiding making her legs a spring, it was too much trouble. Spinel sat on the outer armrest, a further distance from the rest of the diamonds, practically dropping her body on the firm surface under her feet.

Her legs were relieved by not reloading her weight, she would have wanted to lie there if it had not been obvious.

-Spinel, my dear, what do you have on your face? - White leaned a little from her seat looking at her with a small grimace of strangeness.

-Huh? - Spinel blinked confusedly bringing one of her hands to her cheek without understanding, clearing the dream to process her words.

-Your makeup ... - Blue Diamond pointed from a distance.

Makeup…?_ Oh. _

Every night she cry, she always took the trouble to clean the makeup trail, to fix it, to they don't notice that she had cried recently or at least, not to make it as obvious as dark lines running down her cheeks.

Now she was so tired that she hadn't even noticed.

-I was ... playing in the water- She explained making a lie at the moment.

-A few minutes before coming here ... I went to the pool, geez ... sorry- She smiled and scratched her head nervously.

-I didn't notice- That part was true. She hadn't remembered cleaning up the mess on her face.

Yellow made an invisible grin in her eyes, Spinel was standing in her seat and could see her perfectly, perhaps in more detail than the rest of the Diamonds.

She said she played with water and Yellow would have believed her ... if her hair or clothes had been wet too, at least a little wet if they had been several minutes after leaving.

Her clothes and hair were completely dry, but her makeup as well as the corner of her eyes and her cheeks was still wet, she was lying.

If there was any reason to do it or to hide that she was actually crying, then she could ask her later when they be alone, maybe she wants to say why.

For now, Yellow decided to abandon the issue and not interfere, not at least in front of the other diamonds, so White took the lead and began to talk about the issue to be discussed at this meeting.

Spinel listened to the same vaguely, just a quarter of the time they were there was to discuss something really serious, all the rest were wandering and going around the branches, even talking about Steven's early arrival and how excited they were with that.

-Maybe we can play a game in the pool, but i think Steven can't ... breathe …- Blue Diamond hesitated trying to remember if it was the right word.

-... Underwater, it's a human thing, but Spinel could sink and sing songs, just like Pink used to do! - She exclaimed with a cheerful smile.

Spinel contained her emotions, knowing where this talk would go.

No matter how many times they talk about Pink, it was always to praise her, to say how much she missed her.

Her view go down, to the pink seat, to Pink's old throne.

They couldn't see that she had abandoned them? Not only Spinel, but also them; and yet, despite the pain she caused them, they treasured their memories with her, they were filled with melancholy when they talked about a moment brought back from their memories of her, they maintained and cared for all their old treasures as the most valuable things in the universe, even if they are small and insignificant.

All her treasures were protected, as a way to hold on to what was left of her.

Blue ... she used to call her that way, in fact, the first time she saw her, the first thing she did was exclaim that it was one of Pink's lost treasures.

Perhaps it was the dream, the accumulated exhaustion of months, the emotional weakness with which she was carrying at that time, but the thought that she was blocking by her own stability surfaced.

_ They just want you because you were hers. _

Would they want her if she wasn't?

Would they have invited her here, to her home, would they have taken the job of accepting her if she were an ordinary gem?

They would love her ... if she were from any other gem other than Pink?

Tears stung at the corner of her eyes, really trying to keep them at bay, her hands traveled to her head, pulling her hair in a desperate attempt to silence that damn thought.

_ Enough. Shut up. Shut up. SHUT UP. _

No. That shouldn't be the only reason they were still with her … was it?

No, it couldn't.

_ Please, no. _

One of her hands hit her head hard in an attempt to stop her own thoughts.

They were in front, she was too close and too exposed to cry.

For that little minute, everyone paid attention only to what White was saying, in that short period of time she must stop.

She brought her hand to her gem, anxiety, fear and pain began to rise in high peaks, too high to be surrounded by people.

She pressed the jewel in form of a heart in her hands, she needed all these emotions to come down now.

She could not lose control of herself here, not in front of them.

Spinel take a long, deep breath, trying to take as much air as she could.

The anxiety in her chest was quickly transforming into fear, too.

The control over herself was sliding from her like sand between her fingers so quickly that she didn't know how to stop.

She was scared, so scared.

Her body was shaking and she didn't know why, the need to take breaths of air began to be more and more necessary.

She felt her sweaty palms, the edge of all things began to be luminous, more than normal, clouding her vision.

She tried to fill her lungs with air, but instead of entering, her breath was choked.

_ What's going on? _

Her tiredness mixed with the panic she was feeling right now, she felt her whole body shake, was she… hot? Why did the room feel so warm suddenly?

She could swear she was sweating.

She was afraid, so much, it spread in waves in her chest, expanding through her body and causing her more spasms.

Burning, headache and fatigue remained in the background for her head, but not for her body.

Everything she felt lately and keeping it, exploded all at once.

She was so panicked that she was suffocating.

She couldn't hide this from diamonds, she couldn't fake it and if she was honest, she was so scared that she didn't even think about doing it.

_ What in the universe is happening? _

She look at her hands, she felt a slight itch in them, but it is the only thing that she distinguishes.

She could not hear the loud, choked and desperate sound of her breathing, her chest rising and falling rapidly and steadily.

It felt as if something terribly bad was about to happen and she was unable to stop it.

_ Oh, stars, what it's going on? _

She needed help, now, she was desperate, but she didn't even know why or what she wanted them to fix.

Spinel just knew she _ needed _ help.

She felt like she was going to die if she didn't get it now.

White was talking to Blue and Yellow, too far back and up to see her, Yellow was looking at her, but Blue, just looked down for a moment to observe Yellow and notice the behavior of the little gem in the armrest.

-Spinel? - Blue asked aloud, drawing Yellow's attention and cutting White in the middle of her sentence.

Out of curiosity, both diamonds also turned to see her, her first thought was that she was doing something strange, or playing a new game that drew Blue's attention and curiosity.

It was only enough to see her to understand that she was not playing, that something bad was happening to her.

-Spinel? - This time, Yellow's voice, she was closer and had the best view.

Whatever is happening to her, it was not an act, it was not a joke, it was not voluntary.

Spinel heard both voices as if they were miles away.

She needed to leave, but … from where? From herself? She didn't even know. She just wanted to run away without knowing why.

She was so confused, she wanted this to stop, she needed this to stop.

_ Stop, please stop, stop, oh, why it doesn't just stop! _

Her breathing caught more in her throat a sob came out of her lips, was she going to die?

She was dying?

_ What is happening to her? _

She don't notice when Blue got up from her seat, or when White came down from where she was so she could see her.

She did not feel the small tremor on the floor of the footsteps of them, she could not distinguish them from the spasms that were running through her body.

The waves of panic continued to rise in intensity, burning inside her until the air did not reach at all.

She stop feeling the gravity, the balance keeping her standing, she saw something yellow move, but that was it.

Finally, her vision turned completely white and somehow, that felt even worse.

It feels like falling into a deep sea of panic sinking completely, unable to leave, to move, to do anything.

Just letting fear take hold of her until her senses faded.

In that period of time, many questions filled the air, questions that Spinel did not have the chance to hear, much less answer before passing out.

-Spinel! - The voice of the three was heard in unison when they saw how she lost her balance and fell from the yellow armrest.

The instant she wobbled, Yellow put her hand behind her, holding her when she fell and preventing further damage.

Tiredness, pain, frustration, fear, everything she keep inside her for months suddenly exploded, forcing her to go out.

To _ finally _ rest.

Something had to happen, something had to break at some point.

She press her limit too much until it broke, her emotions were too big and strong to be in control of them.

The three diamonds exclaimed her name many times after that, gently touching her, but despite trying everything, Spinel did not react to anything.

That same day, minutes later, Steven received several calls from diamonds begging for help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so... What do you think? 
> 
> I love reading your opinions in comments! 
> 
> About this chapter, Spinel made a big mistake unconsciously.  
She was always treated like a toy, jer only "friend" always expected her to be fun, she knows how to love, but she doesn't know how to be loved.  
She doesn't know how true friendship works, and the insecurity that Pink left planted in her will not be easy to remove.
> 
> Also, I think Yellow Diamond would be the first diamond to really connect with Spinel as a true friend for a few reasons:  
_ She was the only one of the three who saw her (except for the song) and did not claim something about Pink, she was the only one to comment as Spinel as an individual "i like this gem".  
_Yellow also tried to destroy the earth with the cluster in the past to take out her anger some how, even if that dont bring back Pink or do any good.  
_Fun Fact: yellow diamonds are the gemstone of friendship
> 
> I really hope you liked it!

**Author's Note:**

> Okay! What do you think?  
Leave any comments, suggestions or corrections in comments.
> 
> I am happy to read them all!
> 
> The next chapter will be about how Steven saw what happened that day and his thoughts on how he sees, superficially, Spinel.
> 
> (Oh boy, I can't wait to get to the part in the story where it goes deeper than that. I know you can't either) 
> 
> So, in little details, we got Garnet's sensitivity.  
In ancient episodes (season one) there are parts where she touches structures and feels they instability (sea spire), or when Steven is on the roof playing with her to fall on her head.  
She says: "You know I can sens you" not see you, which means she wasn't just using her future vision.
> 
> Also! Rebecca has said that gems can actually poof by emotions too intense, good or bad and that Spinel poof in the garden before going to earth, killing the doubt that it had happened to her.
> 
> That's why i put it in the story. 
> 
> I will be updating soon! Im already working on the following chapters!


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